no way

huh.ITS FINALLY OVER!phew.but i think i screwed it up really bad.i got so freaked out before the exam that i had to do the same question three times before getting it.and that was only the first one!god help me.
on a happier note,he gave me the cd today along with a note written on a filter paper.awwwwww..how sweet!its so unlike anyone i know to give me that.huh.k,not really..but still.the thing is up on my wall now.along with other pieces of memoribilla.did i spell that thing right?can we think of happy thoughts?i want to see the future.ithinkimentionedthatalready.
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my discman cover patah.so sedih.bro tried to fixed it but now its lopsided.time to get me a new one!yayness in all the world.greendaygreendaygreenday.i like the crystals formed when u heat up lead 2 sulphate with something something.the guys actually burned the floor and the table trying to burn magnesium ribbon.the bright light is,really blinding.lol.oh..i wanna a dimple.not pimple.let's play connect the dots!wheee..
oh how i would pay good money to have my childhood back again.
-
i finally saw that one.but now got the other one.was on the brink of telling but held back.i think he knows cos he mentiond that one name.there are too many words.huh.i'm all tangled up,comb me free.
-
oooohhh..wq came over yesterday and she did my hair!i finally had curls in my hair.but it dint last though.so sad.oh look,singapore idiot.go syl go!
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i dont want my year to end.i think it'll be harder for me to say goodbye this time round.pass the tissue please ):

note to self-this is a tragedy

bloody comp is bloody fucked up.stupid thing moving so slow.i wanted to tear my hair out and shower it all over the machine.bloody fuck.huh.oh wow.look at the date.25th.one year.if we had lasted.two more weeks and it would be the bus stop incident.so fast the hands on the clock flew.on thursday and prelims would be over.
oh all the chickens and ducks in the world.i want to eat rambutans and peaches in the can.i have my money on my side.

a-maths paper was horrible.so was phy.i think i give up.though i'll be bloody disappointed if i cant get into 3-months,i have to think realistically.no more fun for me.so sad.i keep seeing the same pple pat airport.all tpjc guys and girls.
oh honeybearbunnykins.

my eyes burn
from these tears
you think you learn over these years
good things wont last
forever
-one of the bands from the cd

dear god,give me strength.amin

theres a corner right there,waiting to be explored.

Though the name Nadzirah creates the urge to understand and help people, we draw to your attention that it causes an emotional intensity and sensitivity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and nervous system.
Your first name of Nadzirah has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression. With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires. Your emotional feelings are easily affected and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature.
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laugh together with me now.one-two-three.hahaha.(:

i stayed home from school today.did abit of maths and phy.i gave up awhile ago.i hope things would turn out ohkay.i really want to do well but i dont think i would be able to make it.i want to make more study dates.darling izzah,would u be free for all the saturdays and sundays to come till the o's? heh.i would blanjer you the chocolate blended while u can try to train me to like coffee!and we can get lost together in the vast airport carpark and eat all the mee mamak goreng in the world with those disgusting creatures climbing on the wall.eeeee
monyet you
-
tap into the darkest secrets
unleash those skeletons in your closet
-
how are u able to write so darkly and find the special and correct words to evoke the right sort of emotion.how do u find the exact colours to express how u are feeling right now.help me find a muse.find me my inspiration.deal me a blow.pull the heart out.pull my limbs out.one by one.i feel guilty.i remember those days.of laughter and freedom.suction me out.toss me togethere.piece by piece.

read this

i bought a book.i thought it would be good but on second thought,why on earth did i buy a book about this lady son who died due to manic depression?huh.but he is an unbelievable boy though.reading about him,i can't help but feel phwoar.he's an amazing writer.
here's something

control
broken evil sunshine filters through the walls of my cell,i close my eyes to it.i don't need its warmth or its healing light.i want to stay here in darkness,pale,panting and bleeding,wishing for an escape into reality,but i find none.my soul is empty.i am weak,hollow,alone.i pray to the empty black sky at night and ask the being my parents told me of to save me but he wont.there is no god watching over me,no heaven awaiting my arrival.i scream into the echoing abyss and lash out at the darkness,my fists striking out at the air.i wish i could hit something just to know i wasnt alone in here.but i am.nowhere to go,and nothing to see.i am locked into my cage,like an animal and i begin to feel like one.all i know is i must spend night after strangeld night here in my room alone.
-nick triana

things dont always turn out the way it should be

see,nothing to worry about.it wasnt you,it wasnt him,it wasnt them.two days of intense paranoia that lead to a great dream which left me tingling all over.
i want to touch again
it was so good to feel skin on skin
hold me all over
6 more days to a year
light a candle and hold on tight
forgive me for my sins

to airport to airport...

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops..
song kept playing in mind.went to airport to study with my beloved cousins.lol.i was so amazed that i actually managed to complete a few chunks of physics.*so proud!
i think my msn is screwed.my cuz say it's giving out weird msgs.huh.now isnt this a good time to chuck my old mail add and make a new one?
i had my warped tour to keep me company.my fishtank was screwed.so sad.my cuz and i kept on kentuting.lol.so smelly.and i forced myself to go finish up the caramel thingy at *bucks.i think camels are stylo creatures.oh the humps.carameled camel.
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wallflower.flower on the wall.oh screw u man.
i saw that one with the shocking hair and grey shirt.reminded me of city hall mrt station.what went wrong?i never really thought of it.it saddens but pple drift.but now.why now?i was paranoid when we went to the staff canteen.oh the jelly babies.red jelly beans.green beans.i like the new macs at T2.very er..nice?huh. seems to me i have to go on studying outside.its effective and my discman will be allowed maximum exposure instead of sitting at a corner collecting dust.let me be myself again.deja vu of the wrong sort.can things be as smooth sailing as it was?it feels like i'm treading on a minefield.one wrong move and bang.there goes my precious limb.my heart.
heart body mind and soul.i need a good book.
-
play me by my heart
lead me on like a puppet on strings
-
oh the goodness of it all.[enter]

subtle hints.this is for you,babe.

no,nothing comes to my mind.i am in no mood.i always seem to be in no mood.huh.i wish they would notice how i am feeling.as it is,everyone is stuck in their own wonder land.oh well,they can't really be blamed right?who am i to think that i am actually more important then well,that.stayed in class during recess.was bored but couldnt really complain.its amazing how one can hide their feeling.the facade.i wonder if nad did ohkay in her concert.huh.i need more money.at least i'll be going out to study sok.huh.airport here i come!oh how i crave for an ice blended.yummmmy.and oh.i saw my gorgeous guy last night.died and floated to heaven.
-
no more happiness,no more joy.practical was ohkay though goon me went to draw a straight line graph instead of a curve.out of all the things to fall for,i fell for you.i think i should write.huh.*bang-bang.i wish that they would just understand and see.talking to someone and actually hanging out with them are two different matters.how well do you know me?i sometimes feel like an idiot just standing there.being so close,shouldnt u be attuned to me and my emotions?i sometimes feel so disappointed.i wish i could have that back.those moments of laughter.where we used to meet up at my place and do stupid stuffs.just had one the other day and i realised how much i miss them.its good to know that things are ohkay.or are they really?i feel like an intruder peeking in between.read between the lines.do u finally get what i mean?today was just like any other day.i don't know.i guess i'll never know.oh well.not many chances for interactions.let them be together.three's a crowd.hurt me.
-

pull me away from the dazzling lights
help me stand up again
i owe u my gratitude
but now its time
to say goodbye again
-

no?i don't know.heh.seems like everyone got bitten by the study bug except for me.oops?heh.but still..i just can't sit down and study.die die man.
maybe i should go.soon.heh

went for the wedding.it was ohkay and it still surprises me knowing that she is now married.oh gosh.hmmph.i need a crash course in how to paint ure toenails.i can never paint it straight and properly.haha.selenger.*apple pie is tasty
skin going crazy.maybe its because i havent been taking care.oh no.oh well.hickory dickory dock.i wanna watch pooh!whee..lol

don't really feel like doing anything much.thank god there is no school tomorrow!

boo ya

i wrote a pretty angry post yesterday.don't know why it wont show.maybe cos blogger is screwed.or maybe it's just me.oh well,*screw you too
-
anyway,the gist of it was that i wasnt feeling too good about today due to the phy mocks[which turned out to be ohkay cos in the end pple were copying from one another or either copying from the text.haha] and the wisdom tooth thingy [of which i dint have to pull it out!at least until much much later.but it's gonna hurt like hell though]
-
my dad was lame though today.maybe cos it was due from the lack of sleep.and i keep seeing mini versions of pple today.pple with the sloping fringes and the JAW.yes.put the pictures together why dont you.secary.i can feel my hair curl.oh no.
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but i think it is a lesson learnt to me that even though i think things are gonna end up bad,it usually exceeds my expectations and even surprises me.take today for example.oh i so love myself and my family.it was fun sitting around and laughing and poking fun at one another.specially my dad who always seems to be the butt of our jokes.haha.and mom is obsessed that i might fall for that guy.she was going on and on about tt and the 6th sense thingy.and i wish the pple would stop banking on the fact that that mia lady has a son.SO WHAT?huh.cock eye bull.i think i have to go soon.but not yet
-
i think i have made it my life mission to go blog hopping everywhere.and its so fun.u click here and u click there and *ta-da.haha.i so have nothing better to do.oh look..the results.
-
i dreamt me and debbie saved the world!haha.it was so sci-fic.but it was nice though.very,dreamy.hahaha.

fuck u too

i'm so against the world right now
gonna get my wisdom tooth pulled out
i hate phy
kang is going to scream at me big time
wish the feeling of dread would stop
fuck
why can't we not have mocks?
grrrr..
and i hate having only one bloody line at home
i hate you too

the wonders

there used to be a band with tt name right? 'uuu...doing that thing you do.breaking my heart into a million pieces'.hah.sounds familiar.
ohkay..today was funnn!yes it was!
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met them at around three.went to eat lunch at swensens then went to take gambar.the wonders of technology.we actually looked good.hah.wanna post em up but when i scan the pics,its so miniscule.stupid me.don't even know how to use tech.haha. *pokes.
the concert was good.it motivated me to do well and to ensure that this time round,i would get my act together and to actually complete the course.yes.no more turning around.it was sad enough that i dropped it once.oh grrr..i have mocks tomorrow.dint even study.bloody ass.i feel like staying up for 'whose line issit anyway'.but i dont think i will.i think i shall read the book wq got me and cry.yes.cry and cry and cry.why is everyone so sad?huh
-
i had lotsa fun.i said that already right?huh.bite my toes and fingers.took so long to get a cab!but i think i can get to improve on small talk just by taking cabs.hah.and the building that the concert was held in was gorgeous.it's actually a learning centre for people who takes up french.it was all glassy building and it was so..phwoar.haha.k,not really,but it was nice.yes.nice.and wq and tiff could not stop drooling after a hunk that kept looking cos i think he kinda heard us.ooppss.stupid goon me shouted i dont wana die when we were about to cross the pedestrian crossing.haha.and we saw teo.his wife kind of jambu though.but he dressed like geek ah.we also saw yunita.she looks good.tiff kept seeing alot of pple.hah.lets talk in short sentences.i'm hungy.i got a stomach ache.i think i should go now.
-
wait.i had such an intense dream that i dreamt of telling someone about the dream.yes.and i seem to be dreaming of my classmates.i need to tell someone about it!hah.i actually wrote it down so that i would not forget it cos it was that good.it was one of those dreams.and yes,it was about you.oh god. (:

random thoughts

i am a glutton for punishment.that is what i am.sado machoism.i hate it.i do not want to feel this way.there are just too many thoughts to think about and the feeling that all is not well.i do not want to make a fool out of myself any longer and to resolve that i shall not say a word.hopes have ended into ashes.i find that i am the only one that is giving,trying to make the ship sail smoothly.i hate it i hate it i hate it but i also know where my loyalties lie.i know it is not with you.i treasure friendships and i treasure my time alone.no one can walk through unaided.hold my hand and hug me tight.sixteen years of age and nothing is really every completed,achieved.four years ago,i thought i'd never reached sixteen and ta-da.here i am.how come i do not look older,how come i do not feel a change,a sudden ka-ching that lets you know that yay,the time has come.birthdays are so over rated but i look forward to mine each year.i know i have been really bad at remembering birthdays but i thank those who remembered mine.its a wonderful feeling knowing that on ure day,someone actually thought of you.why would time not wait for no one.yuvan and jy was prepared to pay inconsiderable amounts of money just to turn back the hands of time and i found myself asking,would i? i'm tired of being potrayed as the silly little girl.i am tired of being insulted and degrated.i am tired of over analysing things and worry about small little matters that really do not require the effort to go through.i realised that i have not changed.as u meet others,u think,phwoar.but i think if u see me,u think,oh.yes.that's the difference.everyone wants to be in the limelight,the center of attraction and i am not going to stop till he says something.i am giving him two hours and tt's it.i hate sitting and wondering.my ass is glued to the chair and i have not prayed.why do i wait up for things like this?things that used to matter to me once and still do now.i fancied so many but there was only one.why?
i realised this is all incoherent thoughts.she said that they were acutally nice but how can anyone be nice if they can afford to lose 2 years of friendship just like that?i miss those carefree days of sitting by the pool.i need the beach,to feel the soft sand,the cold waves.i need to write and to put my thoughts in sequence.hold my hand.i need fun and laughter.to every side,there is a story.i wish time would just stop so i can take a breather for a while. i miss them actually.i miss my friends and i wonder why is it that some people are destined to walk their paths alone?i am so glad to have found my friends.the one who would, i hope,pick me up,put a smile on my face.but havent they proven their worth? so why am i still so insecure?i realised that small things can make me tick and i will go silent.i always thought that i had hoped they could read my mind and body language and i realised i was wrong.all those things that i have shared,laughed about,cried upon.u were with me through so many things.tell me something i know.make me feel secure again.isn't it obvious.eccentric people.i wish i had talent to spread my feelings into arts.but i cant draw,i cant sing and i cant dance.can i slowly drag up the past and continue where we left off before u abruptly left and i was hanging by a thin string?it took me so long to get over it.i need excitement.i am living my life through u.would something bad happen if things do not go as plan?a sucker for routines and time tables.i cannot conform.oh gosh.will banging ure head against the wall help? why do people cut themselves.i remembered once i did it and i actually felt proud.rubbish.haha.all those deep cuts and mutilated bodies.i think it takes a lot of courage to scar ureself.i have low treshold of pain and i can't stand the sight of blood unless it is my own.i do not like injections and going to doctors.i have not had a major operation but yet i fantasise about what it would feel like to have a terminal illness?u read so many stories about it that u get hooked onto it.those stories of miracles,for the ones that won and stories of grief,for the one the lost.to take ure own life.i'm pissed.its too early in the morning to be debating.

oohhh tummy hurts

*jumps around* yay!i am officially 16 for like 40 minutes?haha.k.i got a few stuffs.a huge dinner at bali thai at imm.we actually drove there.gosh,all the way to the west.the meal was like..oh god!so gooooddddddd.i ate till i couldnt eat no more.'push it push it summore'.(:
k,then i got a book, lollipop and a necklace and a shower thingy and err..dust from the fan courtesty of jia yuan and jeffery.and ben tried to make me smell his pants but i refused.haha.hmmm.
it was an ohkay day.no,it was fabulous.first up,he dint show up.that was good.i always thought something was going to happen but thank god,no.and then they remembered.and then i saw my yjc and i.t guy.which was a double good!yay.and p.e was so fun i spent half the time laughing out loud.don't know why today the girls were all so goon.half of them couldnt hit the ball.some ran when the ball was in the stands but the bat was off flying to the ground.mr tng was hopeless but soon redeemed himself.yay!i can't wait to start flooball.*hick*
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hickey hickey mo mickey.spose to go lunch with wq but had to cancelled out on her.i hate sleeping in a moving bus.my head aches.and i wished they would stop playing the trailer for the incredible tales.i have no guts.hmmm..ooohh..love this song!haha
and yay!i can get my shoesss..i can get my shooeeessss.. and i vant vy vellow vubber vuckie.haha.i wish someone was here so i could talk.a bundle of nervous energy.
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and i need good music.again.*yawn*
i can't wait for monday to be here.i wanna go out.i wish someone would tie me to a chair and force me to study.grrrr.they had a talk just now for all girls.something to do about woman's rights.wonder how it went.and in the cab just now,the guy ate me out of 6 bucks to get to pp and along the way we talked about bush and kerry.haha.and then it started to rain and then i had aunty anne's pretzels.i ate alot of junk,including a giant cookie which well,wasn't that good.oh so tired.i wish we could just connect and talk.won't it be great.the convo is stilted now.i never know what to say.oh no,the motor is starting.he's going to wake everyone up!shhh...my poor fishes.*swim fishes swim!*
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sleepers.very good movie.should try find the disc and watch it over and over and over again.