200

my 200th post!
i thought i'd say something interesting but scrap that. everything has been pretty routine, normal smooth and shiny. life goes on doesnt it?
it has been a year since she has passed and life goes on, slowly eventually. like the hamsters wheel. always moving but going nowhere. it's a difficult time to go through. be brave, be strong, be patient. i'll keep you in my prayers.
each day, after prayers, i'll pray for those that has passed. the names that i've mentioned seems to have grown. when faced with death, you realise how precious life is, how fragile your own mortality is. when my grandma died, i felt like screaming at people. i remembered envying those people on the train who didnt have to rush to the hospital to see a dead relative. and she looked so cold, and peaceful on the hospital bed. my grandfather was in shock. it didnt really sink in until it was time to bury her. i regret not sending her to the graveyard. to see that first toss of dirt. and you remember how great god is and how he has the power to take life away from you, to take you away from your loved ones.
and i wonder how many people will come to my funeral? how many lives have i managed to touch during these short years. did i make a difference? rasul died without a penny to his name. he didnt want to be questioned. when asked to choose between life on earth and life besides god, he chose the latter. will i be able to make the same decision just like that? will i bear to leave what i have right now?
the simplicity of it all. not having to worry.
i have no interest in anything right now. i just feel like sleeping the day away. to hide from the humidity and the heat. can you feel how hot it is? and when the rain comes, i wish that it can wash away a dirty part of me. i just want to feel cleansed. not to feel burden by anything, not having to think so much. when you think too much, it starts to hurt. be guided by your heart, not your mind, he said.
but things are not always that easy isnt it?

I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.
-the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

199

i dreamt that me, kaman, mel and zy were dating the boys from kat-tun.
i was with koki and he broke up with me over nasi lemak
dots

198

i had a ridiculously funny dream of yamapi and ryo and kaman and me sleeping over at my place! it was the younger ryo in the dream and he was super kawaii! and yamapi was being all rabu-rabu with another man. all of them sat on my couch. i will never look at my couch the same way again! and when ryo fell onto kaman?! priceless

197

today was a holey day, right kaman?
hahaha
so sorrrrryyyyy!
<3

196

it's the only decent photo i have!

i always thought that the friendship could withstand the distance and the time. though we have only met up once, ever since all the craziness began, it does not mean that i have forgotten you. reading your blog was a way for me to still keep in touch, to still know that you're all right. i'm sad that i wasnt there to help you through troubled times and i'm angry too, that i allowed myself to neglect you. i should have put in more effort, both of us should have (:
i hope you get through this period of time with patience. you're the strongest person that i have come across and i know you will get through this with your head held high.
i love you loads babe, sms me if you need anything! <333

195

fight all night
-
the photo taking was fun, despite the hot sun and the endless amount of noise, it was nice just to hang out and slack and go click click click. specially if there was someone hot. i have to say though, my photos are horrrid. i'm truly disgusted with myself.grrrr. so sad lah.
jumping ahead, just finished watching summary and it's super good. specially the part where kame started swirling around in the air, and JIN! ohmygoodness. he's like, super HOT. and he's voice is like, sexxxyy. i think my fish just drowned! haha. enough of the gushing.

i truly wasnt prepared to see him again so soon. i knew there might be a possibility of bumping into him around school some time but not so fast! thank god i had my lovelies with me else i just die! and he had to be hot didnt he? looking back, i feel kind of stupid cause i think i was kind of fake and rude too. sigh. but it's over now isnt it? so many things happened in the past. it's kind of embarrassing to actually see him. it's one thing to talk to him online and another to actually see him. i just wanted to crawl under a hole and die. but ohwells, widid (:
i learned something from my friendship with him and it's okay if things remain just as it is. truly, it is. but hopefully, the next time i see him, i'll be able to say hi instead of running away.

here's to a new beginning, a new sem and new experiences <3

nikoko, what were you thinking! hoho

194

ooopppssss
the bracelet was from tjan and the eggs were from tjan and ra-ra. sorry dear! (x

193

i'm extremely happy beccaaauuusseeeeee
- i got two chocolate eggs
-a bracelet courtesy of tjan and ra-ra
-a superbly sexy photo of ryo courtesy of kaman
AND FINALLY MY BALL BEARING! though it has a scratch at the base already. sigh
but nvm, I FINALLY GOT MY BALL BEARING! hooraayyyyy

192

dear god,
can he be mine please? all that lanky-ness, shy smile and super sweet persona. please god?
i'm just so tired of being alone, isn't it time already that i have someone special in my life?-besides all the friends that i love that is.
think about it k god?
love you loads,
nad

and maybe, i'll see the man on the moon tonight.

191

i have decided that the best feeling in the world is to have a pair of tiny hands give you a super big hug. one where she puts all her strength into it and squeezes you as tight as she can for such a small girl. she's the best. i melt each time she hugs me and i ask her to do it as much as possible. the sister is looking slightly pale though. she has this really unhealthy pallour and it's a bit worrying. sometimes i wonder if she has too much responsibility to bear. she's a sister to three other girls, at the age of seven. i hope she gets along fine, though i got goosebumps hearing what mom told me about what she said. seems like she is growing way too fast for a seven year old.
-
i finally finally got my ball bearing! <3

187

and i would hate to thing that all his efforts in the past has been in vain, but looking at the world now, i just cant help but think so. all that he did, the sacrifices, the choices, to ensure the very best in islam, slowly but surely trickling down the drain. how many of us remain, as compared to the past. where their very lives were centered around god and doing what was right and avoiding what was wrong. and here we live, in a world full of distractions, trying our damndest and hoping that one day, we will all be rewarded. that our efforts will pay off. and it is so sad to see them prancing around without a care though i hope deep down inside they know that what they are doing, is wrong. there must be a niggling of guilt deep down in those layers, some tiny voice that actually dared to stand up and speak out. no lost cases, please. each one can be saved, if only they manage to find the right guidance. but really, it is all up to us isnt it? we, are the ones who should take the initiative to take the first step in the right direction. wake up and smell the coffee.
and the ones that i cant stand the most? the hypocrite. you tsk tsk tsk when he mentioned about couples outside kissing and holding hands, but hello lady, arent you one of them too? ):

186

dammit, i am not looking forward to seeing juniors from bg at tp! gaaahhhh
and i dont really like them
Though i am looking forward to laughing at freshies (:
-
i feel feverish. i hope the chalet goes as plan that everyone can attend and that we will always, always keep in touch. shanghai seems like a distant memory now, the picture blurred and fuzzy around the edges.though the class really bonded, the stress of completing projects and meeting deadlines almost put a strain to that bond, but we pulled through, holding our heads high above the water.

185

184

it hurts me that i couldnt be there for you during those difficult times. though i understand that you wanted to keep it private, it would help that i knew what you were going through. than i would be able to lend you support and be there, whenever things got too bad. i still love you though, you strange candy-cane loving creature. we all do. <3

i'm amazed at how you were able to keep it all under wraps, hiding the ugly truth from us. under that intense pressure, especially during those few months. i hope now that whenever you have a problem, you can share it with me, or us and that we promise to help you the best that we can. *hugs*

183

it's nice to be back home! i'm relishing the feel of my bed, my pillow, internet conncetion and being able to eat chicken and fish again! all i had was veggies, fish,mushrooms and tofu there. the trip was fun. alot of photos taken and i have no idea what to do with them now. there were super funny times and high time and shocking times and sharing and playing muderer and wishing that the people in your class were your course mates. happy happy times, stored and kept (:

and now it's back to reality and humid weather