i cant decide if yesterday was a good day or bad day.
it was the bbq yesteday and everything was packed and ready but i had a bad feeling about the bbq pit. as it turned out, i stupidly booked a bring your own pit site. i paid $16 for a fucking piece of concrete. than of course me and kak is panicked cause we didnt have our own bbq pit. so i had to cab down to giant to grab a pit. and i was super short of cash.had sixty dollars only in my account and the pit was $59.90. tried to nets it but obviously, it cannot be done. first time in my entire life i held up a q. called mom and dad send the money over. paid for the freaking pit which was damn huge. me and aisyah pushed it, dragged it, carried it sideways. reached the site and everything went smoothly for a little while. than it had to rain and cause the area had no nearby shelter, everyone got wet. of course i got teased about the mistake in booking but it was to be expected. than they tried throwing me into the sea. which they couldnt cause i was sitting down and refused to move and also because they were not able to carry me. hoho. plus, i had two handphones and my camera with me. beg and pleaded and screamed. so they gave up for awhile until they managed to stuff sour skittles down my throat. dammit, i thought they were feeding me salt! that was super uber freaking gross. gum bled a little cause they were so freaking rough. it's a scary feeling having so many pair of hands trying to feed you skittles. and when i thought the worst was over, someone just had to push me into the sea. which would be fine cept for the fact that i still had the camera and two phones with me! and i was freaking pissed cause i had no change of clothes, plus my slipper got lost for awhile andddd there was no hope for the camera or the phone. i directed my anger at the wrong person. and the one who initiated it actually had the gall to comfort me. i wanted to murder the person. so so dumb. here i am trying to get the family together but i ended up with spoiled equipment. than i was kind of numb. i didnt know what to feel anymore. it's all done for. sometimes i dont know why i even bother to organise these kinds of things. my main aim was to get the family together but i find it pointless when my mom walks away feeling hurt and angry. in a way,i dont find it fair that she is directing her anger at me. that i am to blame. but i just wanted to spend a day with my cousins and i could not possibly leave out the rest just due to family politics right? maybe there wont be a next time. i havent really told dad about this so i'm not sure what will happen next.
i'm always the one who has to take the fall no? so i'm currently handphoneless though i hope not for long. my camera is dead and that sucks cause i bought it with my first pay. fucking idots sometimes this people. just dont think before doing something. and not admitting that it was you who started it? fucking low. really really fucking low.
24.6.06
219
it's raining heavily now. rainy nights are love (:
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i realise that insecurity is a horrid feeling to have. i tend to doubt myself and the people around me. i tend to get over possesive and i get quite jealous too. i doubt the quality of my work and i dont really know if i can make it or not. all these insecurity is slowly slowly driving me up the wall. my heart worries and my head can't stop spinning, thinking of ridiculous stories. i guess i just want to know that i matter, to everyone. that they care as much as i care for them. that i dont want to be the only person to invest so much time and emotion only to receive nothing back. i guess i know they care but sometimes, i need you to show it to me too. i hate feeling insecure and i am working on it. it's a really horrid weakness. i tend to think that i can overcome it all but without friends by my side, how do i pull through?
and i am lucky that i have someone who knows me well enough to comfort me through it all. i know i can tell you anything and everything under the sun and i wont feel ashame at all.
it helps that you're here. friends are really important to me. i remember being devastated by a horrid incident in sec school. i hope i dont have to go through it again. being lonely sucks. not being wanted or included, that sucks too. i guess each person craves for a place to belong. i envy those that have found a place where they belong. and i wish, i had found my place too. than i realised that i have. in that short period of time, i only concentrated on the bad and forgot all about the good that had happen in the past and will happen in the future. i forget the fun times we had and i smack myself. why must i allow this unhappy experience taint me so? i have to learn to let go and maybe make more of an effort. it's not so bad to share right? i refuse to take part in this tug of war that is only happening in my head. i am the only one who feels this way. maybe i should talk about it, but it only makes me feel silly. so i shall learn to deal with this. i cant afford to have my feelings take control over me. it's time to reign them in and to learn to cope. cause being this way wont help at all in the future. no point whining and complaining about it. time to take it with a pinch of salt. and in the end, even if i lose, than so be it. there's more to life aint it?
everyone gets caught up in their own little world that they tend to forget about those around them. cause as long as you get what you want, what does the rest matter huh? as long as you won, why bother? and i'll work on it. it'll get better soon.
show me a little loving yeah? (;
edit// i saw a rainbow!
totally made my day <3
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i realise that insecurity is a horrid feeling to have. i tend to doubt myself and the people around me. i tend to get over possesive and i get quite jealous too. i doubt the quality of my work and i dont really know if i can make it or not. all these insecurity is slowly slowly driving me up the wall. my heart worries and my head can't stop spinning, thinking of ridiculous stories. i guess i just want to know that i matter, to everyone. that they care as much as i care for them. that i dont want to be the only person to invest so much time and emotion only to receive nothing back. i guess i know they care but sometimes, i need you to show it to me too. i hate feeling insecure and i am working on it. it's a really horrid weakness. i tend to think that i can overcome it all but without friends by my side, how do i pull through?
and i am lucky that i have someone who knows me well enough to comfort me through it all. i know i can tell you anything and everything under the sun and i wont feel ashame at all.
it helps that you're here. friends are really important to me. i remember being devastated by a horrid incident in sec school. i hope i dont have to go through it again. being lonely sucks. not being wanted or included, that sucks too. i guess each person craves for a place to belong. i envy those that have found a place where they belong. and i wish, i had found my place too. than i realised that i have. in that short period of time, i only concentrated on the bad and forgot all about the good that had happen in the past and will happen in the future. i forget the fun times we had and i smack myself. why must i allow this unhappy experience taint me so? i have to learn to let go and maybe make more of an effort. it's not so bad to share right? i refuse to take part in this tug of war that is only happening in my head. i am the only one who feels this way. maybe i should talk about it, but it only makes me feel silly. so i shall learn to deal with this. i cant afford to have my feelings take control over me. it's time to reign them in and to learn to cope. cause being this way wont help at all in the future. no point whining and complaining about it. time to take it with a pinch of salt. and in the end, even if i lose, than so be it. there's more to life aint it?
everyone gets caught up in their own little world that they tend to forget about those around them. cause as long as you get what you want, what does the rest matter huh? as long as you won, why bother? and i'll work on it. it'll get better soon.
show me a little loving yeah? (;
edit// i saw a rainbow!
totally made my day <3
23.6.06
19.6.06
217
i find it kind of strange and kind of cool that i can sort of tell when i will start to bleed. it all starts with me feeling really moody and foul. i dont want to talk to anybody, specially the family members and i will be sullen. than i will start to cry for no reason. than i'll have extreme mood swings, being especially happy but mostly, i'll be really really grumpy.than when it comes, i'll still be sullen cause the cramps will come and it is horrid horrid. i hate cramps.makes me bend over with pain and moan and groan. the pills will help, but once i'm immune to it than what? but despite it all, i kind of like. makes me feel like a lady, and sides, it's an execuse to act all grumpy and mean. and it also means a break from it all.
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i just got back this afternoon and i'm tired and i miss everything here. it was five days spent lazing around by the pool side and eating and eating. i swear this has got to be one of the most laziest holidays we ever had. just stayed at the room and watched tv or swam. and i drank a lot of milo and ate alot of goreng pisang. the hotel we stayed in at malacca was just filled with singaporeans while the ritz was filled with japanese! but they were all either too young, too old or married. but at least we were able to get away from it all, if only for awhile. no pictures as i stupidly left the camera at home, but the battery charger was with me. the plane ride to kl was so short! instead of taking 45 minutes, we reached there 15 minutes ahead of schedule. it's stupid flying there. i rather take the train or the coach. oh wells. and the stewerdess all looked fake but really pretty. and all i thought of was attention please. and RYO! nyahahaha (:
anddddd i dreamt of kaman, twice! i rarely dream of the same person for two consecutive days. the dreams was all similar though. we were suppose to meet somewhere or something but she never showed up. so strange laaahhhhh.
i dread the fact that school is starting soon and i'll be sucked into the crazy world of deadlines and projects. while others have only a few more months till the nightmare ends, i have another year to deal with.
let's all hope for the very best
cheers
(:
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i just got back this afternoon and i'm tired and i miss everything here. it was five days spent lazing around by the pool side and eating and eating. i swear this has got to be one of the most laziest holidays we ever had. just stayed at the room and watched tv or swam. and i drank a lot of milo and ate alot of goreng pisang. the hotel we stayed in at malacca was just filled with singaporeans while the ritz was filled with japanese! but they were all either too young, too old or married. but at least we were able to get away from it all, if only for awhile. no pictures as i stupidly left the camera at home, but the battery charger was with me. the plane ride to kl was so short! instead of taking 45 minutes, we reached there 15 minutes ahead of schedule. it's stupid flying there. i rather take the train or the coach. oh wells. and the stewerdess all looked fake but really pretty. and all i thought of was attention please. and RYO! nyahahaha (:
anddddd i dreamt of kaman, twice! i rarely dream of the same person for two consecutive days. the dreams was all similar though. we were suppose to meet somewhere or something but she never showed up. so strange laaahhhhh.
i dread the fact that school is starting soon and i'll be sucked into the crazy world of deadlines and projects. while others have only a few more months till the nightmare ends, i have another year to deal with.
let's all hope for the very best
cheers
(:
12.6.06
216
today was all about food food FOOD!
had lunch with zy at harbour front. ate possibly the bestest pizza ever, from that new york pizza thingy. it was goooddddd. than there was that self automated dustbins! like how cool is that? you just walk past and the lid will open by itself. it's kind of irritating and freaky at the same time. and it takes ages to sense you though. so we were like walking back and forth infront of that dustbin. than dad called to say we were going to jb and we had dinner at this way cool restaurant at pan-pac. apparently it's their 19th anniversary today. had no idea though.
why is it that other people's food tasted better than mine? pfffft. i kept eating mom's mashed potatoes and dad's duck. it was stuffed with mangoes. i had some beef thingy with rice and adik had beef with pasta. it's suppose to be mediterannean (?) food so the dishes were from arab, egypt, the likes. than rushed back home to watch japan vs australia only to see japan get trashed during the last ten freaking minutes. aust scored 2 goals and one jap guy played for a measly three minutes. stupid game. hoho.
met up with wq that day and it was goood! never have i laughed so much. i like it when you meet people that you have known for ages, in this case, 5 years. cause i just feel so comfortable and i know she accepts me for who i am, no questions asked. there's no feelings like oh-oh, did i do the right thing and all that crap you know? <33
quote worth quote from kame, "I use my arm more than I use my brain."
omg tjan, your dream! it's freaking ridiculous laaaahhhhhh!!! ((:
had lunch with zy at harbour front. ate possibly the bestest pizza ever, from that new york pizza thingy. it was goooddddd. than there was that self automated dustbins! like how cool is that? you just walk past and the lid will open by itself. it's kind of irritating and freaky at the same time. and it takes ages to sense you though. so we were like walking back and forth infront of that dustbin. than dad called to say we were going to jb and we had dinner at this way cool restaurant at pan-pac. apparently it's their 19th anniversary today. had no idea though.
why is it that other people's food tasted better than mine? pfffft. i kept eating mom's mashed potatoes and dad's duck. it was stuffed with mangoes. i had some beef thingy with rice and adik had beef with pasta. it's suppose to be mediterannean (?) food so the dishes were from arab, egypt, the likes. than rushed back home to watch japan vs australia only to see japan get trashed during the last ten freaking minutes. aust scored 2 goals and one jap guy played for a measly three minutes. stupid game. hoho.
met up with wq that day and it was goood! never have i laughed so much. i like it when you meet people that you have known for ages, in this case, 5 years. cause i just feel so comfortable and i know she accepts me for who i am, no questions asked. there's no feelings like oh-oh, did i do the right thing and all that crap you know? <33
quote worth quote from kame, "I use my arm more than I use my brain."
omg tjan, your dream! it's freaking ridiculous laaaahhhhhh!!! ((:
8.6.06
Once (Dewa) - Dealova
yesterday's horoscope was terrible. it indicated that i was going to lose a friendship, a friendship that i thought i could never live without. that people outgrew one another and it's time to move on. and it scared me to bits and pieces.
but of course,horoscope might just be pieces of crap, but it still lingers though. so i'm wondering and pondering, and hoping that it will not come to that. i dont want to lose anybody. ever.
yesterday's horoscope was terrible. it indicated that i was going to lose a friendship, a friendship that i thought i could never live without. that people outgrew one another and it's time to move on. and it scared me to bits and pieces.
but of course,horoscope might just be pieces of crap, but it still lingers though. so i'm wondering and pondering, and hoping that it will not come to that. i dont want to lose anybody. ever.
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