)))))):
my ankle is the size of a freaking golf ball. paiiin paiinn paaaiiiiiinnnnn!!
)))):
sometimes the boy surprises me by smsing the smartest things and the next thing i know, he's telling me he doesn't know what tentatively means. i dreamt he drew circles on my palm.
my friends are gone taking photos at night and i'm all alone here! come back quick quick. dad's going to bring the laptop for a few days so i will be stuck with no internet access. luckily i have dvd's! why must they talk in photo jargon? i'm there pretending i understand when i have no clue what they talk about. they're going for a photog talk! a photog talk!
the photography monster has squashed their brains and infiltered into their minds. nvm, i shall be supportive, so to those two photog heads, JIA YOU! you still owe me my apple pie and ice cream
<333
28.9.06
where ryo realises he misses uchi
It’s been five years now and things are still going strong. The relationship was still rocky but they understand one another better. They learned to compromise and give in. The ring still stayed firmly on his ring finger.
His career has skyrocketed too. K8 had achieved a modest amount of number one singles and albums and their concerts were a major success. They performed to a full house each time and the energy and support from the fans were overwhelming.
Even NEWS had rebounded from the temporary suspension. Their come back single, “Still Here” stayed on the Oricon Chart for at least a month and now, their fourth album is due to be released next week.
“I’m a lucky man”, he thought. Now at 27, he was still very much the same person as he was before. Mean tongue, wide smile, moley face and broken nose. He had matured more into his good looks and still retained the title of “Sexy Osaka Man”.
His last two dramas scored high ratings and his yet to be released movie was already garnering rave reviews from the critics. Now in the pipelines was talk of another solo concert and of course, concerts for both NEWS and K8.
“Yes, I am a lucky man.” He thought again.
“But why do I feel so hollow then? Like something’s missing?”
He had everything he could ask for. A girlfriend, a career, supportive friends and family. But yet..
“That’s cause he’s not here” a tiny voice said, coming from his heart.
And he knew then, that that was it.
Even now, after five years, Uchi is still not back. After all the hype, hope and promises, everything fell short. As the years passed, he gave up hope, bit by bit. He had not managed to keep in contact with him ever since he got suspended. He was too busy, then he met her and slowly, slowly, thoughts of Uchi kind of faded. What had been techni-coloured memories of him was soon reduced to a fuzzy black and white movie.
Until now. As he sat on the bench overlooking the sea, he felt a pang of intense of emotion. He realized he still missed the boy, very much so. He was only kidding himself when he thought he wasn’t. Thoughts of him flooded his mind and he felt just like the sea in front of him, all choppy and mixed up.
He thought he had kept the past well hidden, stuffing the memories into the deepest darkest corner of his heart, but he was wrong. He took a deep breath and brushed his palms against his cheeks, surprised at their dampness.
“There’s nothing I can do about it anymore.”
He stood up and jammed his hands into the pocket of his jeans, memories of Uchi stuffed back into its hole, right at the very bottom of his heart.
“I’ve got her to think about now.”
But the gold band, adorning his ring finger of his right hand felt like lead weight.
For the next three weeks, he tried to keep himself as busy as possible. He immersed himself into his work; planning for concerts, rehearsing for his next drama and spending time with her, his family and his friends. That episode on the beach still haunts him and he hopes that by tiring himself out with work, he will not miss Uchi too much. The feeling was becoming unbearable. He found himself comparing her to Uchi, though he wasn’t sure how that was possible. Each day, he fought the need to pick up his cell phone and send him a mail, to give him a ring, just to hear his voice on the other line. His plan to keep himself busy to forget Uchi seemed to work, if only for awhile.
He soon found himself on a three day break and he was unsure as to what to do with his time. His girlfriend was away, on a road trip with her girlfriends and most of the other members were back visiting their family. He chose to stay here in Tokyo, hoping that the busy city will swallow him whole with its noise and shiny neon lights. As he walked down the streets of Tokyo, he took in the sights around him. Teenage girls dressed up to the nines, giggling away with their friends, boys lounging around, cigarettes dangling coolly from their fingers and the harried working men and women, eyes downcast, walking fast to reach an unknown decision.
Here in the busy streets of Tokyo, he’s able to blend in. No one took a second glance at him, recognizing him as the idol, Nishikido Ryo. Of course, the cap jammed low on his head also helped to disguise him further.
He stopped in front of an idol shop where there, hanging by the window was an uchiwa of him. It was from the latest concert and he smiled, remembering that event. As he stared at the display, he realized that next to it, the shop owners had put an uchiwa of Uchi, from the Excite concert.
He was touched by that small gesture, that the store owner still had faith for his come back. He stood there for awhile, lost in his thoughts till someone bumped into him and moved on without saying sorry.
Shaking his head, Ryo continued on, but his hands fingered his cell phone, which was in the pocket of his jacket.
Back in his hotel room, he sat on one of chairs placed in the balcony. The view from his room was breath taking. He stared at the phone in his hand, playing with it, flipping it open and closing it again. Open, close, open, close, as he contemplated his next move. He stood up and rested his arms on the balcony railing, resting his head onto his arms.
“Just do it” the tiny voice in his heart said.
He straightened and flipped open his phone. Uchi’s number might have been deleted from his cell phone but he still knew the number. Slowly, he jabbed in the right digits and held his breath.
It rang, for the longest time and Ryo wished he hadn’t called. He was just about to hang up when the voice on the other line went “Hello, this is Uchi, who is that?”
“He-he-hello. Uchi? It’s me, Ryo.”
~
He sat waiting at a table by the window at the coffer place near his hotel. He was nervous. He kept fiddling with the sugar packets in front of him and placed one hand on his stomach. The contact of skin to skin comforted him a little. His eyes kept on darting to the door, waiting for someone to appear. He glanced at his watch strapped to his left wrist and realized that that person was already two minutes late.
“Stop being so paranoid already!” the voice in his heart said and he took a deep breath, in hopes that he would calm down. He started fiddling with his ring and stared at it, thinking if he should take it off. He was still contemplating his decision when he heard the jingle of bells placed on the door, to alert the shop owners that there was a customer. He looked up and his heart skipped a beat. Without thinking any further, he took of the ring and slipped it into his jean’s pocket.
He suddenly felt like a school girl on her very first date and realized that in a way, he was. He had not seen him for five years, and now, here he was. He stood up to greet his friend and held out his hand.
“Uchi” Ryo said.
Uchi just stood there, staring at Ryo as though he could not believe that he was there, right in front of him. Ryo was starting to feel uncomfortable under the intense scrutiny but held his ground. He began to think uneasily if this was a good idea. He was just about to speak when Uchi grabbed him and hugged him tight.
“Ryo..” He said.
Ryo was stunned. His arms dangled loosely at his side before he brought it around the younger man’s waist. He rested his head on his shoulders and breathed in that familiar smell of him. He felt tears gather in eyes and he squeezed them tight, not wanting to cry. After a while, he broke the hug and gestured for Uchi to seat.
The younger man settled his long frame into the chair; the table was small and underneath, their knees touched. Both of them smiled at the contact, thinking of happier times.
“So..” Ryo said, just as Uchi started to speak too.
With a laugh, he gestured at Uchi to start first. And once Uchi started to speak, the conversation just flowed. It felt so comfortable, being here with Uchi at the café by the sidewalk. He felt like himself. He still felt sorry that he was not able to keep in contact with him but the younger man had just brushed off his reasons, saying it’s okay, I understand.
They talked about everything and anything. What Uchi was up to- he had graduated from university with honours and is now working at a major advertisement firm- the latest movie and music, if Uchi still wanted to come back to the entertainment scene, which the younger man can only shrug, saying he doesn’t know and about their friends.
They sat there for long hours, ordering more coffee and snacks and laughing and in that period of time, thoughts of his girlfriend were gone.
Uchi still looked the same, though his eyes were more guarded and he wasn’t as skinny as before. He still had that slightly royal look, thanks to blue blood running through his veins and he still retained that same sense of humour.
“I missed you. It was so difficult at first, but I learned to cope with it. Seeing you now...” Uchi said and smiled tentatively, “Seeing you now, I feel happy, like a part of me is fulfilled.”
Ryo didn’t know what to say in response to that so he smiled, reached across the tiny table and intertwined his fingers with his long ones. He looked at the young man and saw the need in his eyes. He recognized that look of desire and he nods his head, knowing that Uchi understood that gesture. Quietly and slowly they stood up from the table and headed to his hotel, fingers still intertwined.
~
He stood up to get dress to get coffee for both of them, when he felt something under his feet. Bending down, he realized that it was the ring. He stared at it, stunned and realized that, he had cheated on her. He suddenly felt as though he had made a huge mistake. He turned to look at the younger man lying on the bed with the rumpled sheets and thought “Fuck, what have I done?”
He quickly dressed, stuffed the ring back into his pocket and grabbed his phone. He left a note for Uchi and walked out the door.
He suddenly felt suffocated with emotions and his head was swimming. He felt dizzy and had to bend down, to get the blood rushing back to his head. He stayed in that awkward position for a long time, taking deep steady breaths. Once he felt that he was better, he straightened and started to walk. He had just reached an empty park when his cell began to vibrate. He picked it up without looking at the i.d. It was her.
“Hey baby, I just called to let you know that I’m on my way back. Can’t talk now cause the reception is really bad. I hope you can hear me. I’ll see you soon, and baby, I have great news! Love you loads.” She hanged up without him being able to get a word in. Normally he would have been pissed but looking at the circumstances now, he doesn’t think he has the right too.
He sat heavily on one of the park benches and hung his head. What have I done? The initial joy was now replaced with the feeling of extreme dread. He had not told Uchi about her nor had he told her about him. He took out the ring and stared at it. It glinted in the sunlight and he remembered his promise to her, “I’ll never leave.” He let out a roar of frustration, scaring a few kids who were playing nearby and he rammed his fingers through his hair. He felt at lost now. He picked up his phone, wanting to call someone to share his problems with but he realized he couldn’t. This was his mess; he will have to clear it up by himself. He waited for that tiny voice from his heart to tell him what to do next, as it had before, but the voice was strangely quiet.
Frustrated and angry with no resolve in mind, he stood up, to get coffee from across the road, slipping the ring back onto his finger.
~
Uchi woke up and stretched. He reached for Ryo but was surprised that his side of the bed was empty. He sat up and realized that Ryo was gone. Then he spied the note, which was left on the bed stand next to him
I have to leave. Wait for me.
He did not even bother to leave his name! Uchi thought with disgust. He stood up and gathered his clothes. Once he was dressed, he called room service and patiently waited for Ryo, sitting at the chair placed by the balcony, which offered a breath taking view of Tokyo.
It had been several hours now but Ryo was still gone. He was bored. He had dialed Ryo’s cell a couple of times but to no avail. He had already read the papers delivered to the room along with his breakfast, cleaned up the bed and tidied up the room. He switched on the TV, thinking that he could waste some time watching cartoons. He was channel surfing when the news bulletin caught his attention.
“Oh no, it can’t be!” He thought and rushed out of the room, with the TV still on.
The scene of the accident was complete and utter chaos. The red and blue light from police cars and ambulances flashed constantly. Curious onlookers gathered at the sides, wanting to know what had happen and there was a traffic jam, as officials tried to clear away the debris. Uchi’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, his imagination going astray.
“Please let him be okay, please let him be ok, please god.” He prayed. He fought his way through the crowd to get a better view of the accident and his heart sank.
“There’s no way he could have survived that.” He thought.
He grabbed the first official he saw and demanded details. Once he found out which hospital Ryo was sent too, he quickly made his way down, his fingers furiously dialing numbers of people he knew.
All of them waited bleakly by the hospital corridor. Members of NEWS and K8 were there, along with Jin, Kame and a girl he did not recognize. Ryo’s family was rushing down from Osaka and would be here soon. They were surprised to see him, hugging him, but they were more concerned with the person who was in the operating theatre.
A policeman came to give them details of the accident. He was crossing the road to get to the shop at the opposite side and did not notice the incoming car. The driver was not able to break in time and had hit him. The sudden brake by the car had caused another car to hit the car that had hit Ryo. When paramedics found him, he was unconscious but still alive. They rushed him to the hospital, where he was being operated still. The drivers of the two cars escaped without any major injuries.
“”We found this on him.” The policeman said and took out a small plastic case. In it was a gold band. There was an audible gasp from the girl and she began to cry. Great, heaving sobs that shook her entire body. Yamapi held her close and tried to comfort her. No one was left with a dry eye. The policeman left the grieving group and gave the plastic case to Yamapi.
Not long after, the doctor appeared from the operating theatre, his operating gown stained with blood.
“Ryo’s blood” Uchi thought.
The doctor stood in front of the group, not saying anything. And everyone knew then, without a doubt, that Ryo was gone.
“I’m sorry.” The doctor said, “I tried my best.”
~
It has been over a year now and he still misses Ryo. The pain was so acute. He had found his love only to lose him again. He headed down to his grave and realized that there was a girl standing in front of it. In her arms was a small child. He recognized her as the girl from the hospital, though he did not have a chance to talk to her since then.
He stood beside her, closed his eyes and muttered a prayer. His hands reached out to touch the smooth marble of the headstone and placed a single flower. Both of them stood there, sharing the grief.
Finally, he spoke up “You miss him?”
“Every single day.” She replied, her voice thick with emotion. Her eyes shone with unshed tears and he wondered who this girl was to Ryo. He noticed a gold band around her ring finger and another, which she wore around her neck.
“Is he yours?” He asked, reaching out to ruffle the boy’s hair. He was only a few months old, but yet, there was something familiar about him. He looked strangely like…
“Yeah. He’s ours. I wanted to tell him that I was… that I was pregnant, but he left.” And this time, tears spilled from her almond shape eyes, staining her cheeks with their dampness.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” And she turned away, cradling the child in her arms.
Uchi stood there, stunned. He watched the girl walk away, her long hair swaying across her back.
The child was Ryo’s? He turned around to face the grave and realized that the one person that could have given him an answer, was gone.
“That was why he had to leave.” Uchi thought. He stood staring at the grave and realized that he could not conjure up any emotion, did not know how to react. He was numb all over but he knew that he did not regret his short lived time spent with him. Those were memories he will forever keep. Forever and always.
His career has skyrocketed too. K8 had achieved a modest amount of number one singles and albums and their concerts were a major success. They performed to a full house each time and the energy and support from the fans were overwhelming.
Even NEWS had rebounded from the temporary suspension. Their come back single, “Still Here” stayed on the Oricon Chart for at least a month and now, their fourth album is due to be released next week.
“I’m a lucky man”, he thought. Now at 27, he was still very much the same person as he was before. Mean tongue, wide smile, moley face and broken nose. He had matured more into his good looks and still retained the title of “Sexy Osaka Man”.
His last two dramas scored high ratings and his yet to be released movie was already garnering rave reviews from the critics. Now in the pipelines was talk of another solo concert and of course, concerts for both NEWS and K8.
“Yes, I am a lucky man.” He thought again.
“But why do I feel so hollow then? Like something’s missing?”
He had everything he could ask for. A girlfriend, a career, supportive friends and family. But yet..
“That’s cause he’s not here” a tiny voice said, coming from his heart.
And he knew then, that that was it.
Even now, after five years, Uchi is still not back. After all the hype, hope and promises, everything fell short. As the years passed, he gave up hope, bit by bit. He had not managed to keep in contact with him ever since he got suspended. He was too busy, then he met her and slowly, slowly, thoughts of Uchi kind of faded. What had been techni-coloured memories of him was soon reduced to a fuzzy black and white movie.
Until now. As he sat on the bench overlooking the sea, he felt a pang of intense of emotion. He realized he still missed the boy, very much so. He was only kidding himself when he thought he wasn’t. Thoughts of him flooded his mind and he felt just like the sea in front of him, all choppy and mixed up.
He thought he had kept the past well hidden, stuffing the memories into the deepest darkest corner of his heart, but he was wrong. He took a deep breath and brushed his palms against his cheeks, surprised at their dampness.
“There’s nothing I can do about it anymore.”
He stood up and jammed his hands into the pocket of his jeans, memories of Uchi stuffed back into its hole, right at the very bottom of his heart.
“I’ve got her to think about now.”
But the gold band, adorning his ring finger of his right hand felt like lead weight.
For the next three weeks, he tried to keep himself as busy as possible. He immersed himself into his work; planning for concerts, rehearsing for his next drama and spending time with her, his family and his friends. That episode on the beach still haunts him and he hopes that by tiring himself out with work, he will not miss Uchi too much. The feeling was becoming unbearable. He found himself comparing her to Uchi, though he wasn’t sure how that was possible. Each day, he fought the need to pick up his cell phone and send him a mail, to give him a ring, just to hear his voice on the other line. His plan to keep himself busy to forget Uchi seemed to work, if only for awhile.
He soon found himself on a three day break and he was unsure as to what to do with his time. His girlfriend was away, on a road trip with her girlfriends and most of the other members were back visiting their family. He chose to stay here in Tokyo, hoping that the busy city will swallow him whole with its noise and shiny neon lights. As he walked down the streets of Tokyo, he took in the sights around him. Teenage girls dressed up to the nines, giggling away with their friends, boys lounging around, cigarettes dangling coolly from their fingers and the harried working men and women, eyes downcast, walking fast to reach an unknown decision.
Here in the busy streets of Tokyo, he’s able to blend in. No one took a second glance at him, recognizing him as the idol, Nishikido Ryo. Of course, the cap jammed low on his head also helped to disguise him further.
He stopped in front of an idol shop where there, hanging by the window was an uchiwa of him. It was from the latest concert and he smiled, remembering that event. As he stared at the display, he realized that next to it, the shop owners had put an uchiwa of Uchi, from the Excite concert.
He was touched by that small gesture, that the store owner still had faith for his come back. He stood there for awhile, lost in his thoughts till someone bumped into him and moved on without saying sorry.
Shaking his head, Ryo continued on, but his hands fingered his cell phone, which was in the pocket of his jacket.
Back in his hotel room, he sat on one of chairs placed in the balcony. The view from his room was breath taking. He stared at the phone in his hand, playing with it, flipping it open and closing it again. Open, close, open, close, as he contemplated his next move. He stood up and rested his arms on the balcony railing, resting his head onto his arms.
“Just do it” the tiny voice in his heart said.
He straightened and flipped open his phone. Uchi’s number might have been deleted from his cell phone but he still knew the number. Slowly, he jabbed in the right digits and held his breath.
It rang, for the longest time and Ryo wished he hadn’t called. He was just about to hang up when the voice on the other line went “Hello, this is Uchi, who is that?”
“He-he-hello. Uchi? It’s me, Ryo.”
~
He sat waiting at a table by the window at the coffer place near his hotel. He was nervous. He kept fiddling with the sugar packets in front of him and placed one hand on his stomach. The contact of skin to skin comforted him a little. His eyes kept on darting to the door, waiting for someone to appear. He glanced at his watch strapped to his left wrist and realized that that person was already two minutes late.
“Stop being so paranoid already!” the voice in his heart said and he took a deep breath, in hopes that he would calm down. He started fiddling with his ring and stared at it, thinking if he should take it off. He was still contemplating his decision when he heard the jingle of bells placed on the door, to alert the shop owners that there was a customer. He looked up and his heart skipped a beat. Without thinking any further, he took of the ring and slipped it into his jean’s pocket.
He suddenly felt like a school girl on her very first date and realized that in a way, he was. He had not seen him for five years, and now, here he was. He stood up to greet his friend and held out his hand.
“Uchi” Ryo said.
Uchi just stood there, staring at Ryo as though he could not believe that he was there, right in front of him. Ryo was starting to feel uncomfortable under the intense scrutiny but held his ground. He began to think uneasily if this was a good idea. He was just about to speak when Uchi grabbed him and hugged him tight.
“Ryo..” He said.
Ryo was stunned. His arms dangled loosely at his side before he brought it around the younger man’s waist. He rested his head on his shoulders and breathed in that familiar smell of him. He felt tears gather in eyes and he squeezed them tight, not wanting to cry. After a while, he broke the hug and gestured for Uchi to seat.
The younger man settled his long frame into the chair; the table was small and underneath, their knees touched. Both of them smiled at the contact, thinking of happier times.
“So..” Ryo said, just as Uchi started to speak too.
With a laugh, he gestured at Uchi to start first. And once Uchi started to speak, the conversation just flowed. It felt so comfortable, being here with Uchi at the café by the sidewalk. He felt like himself. He still felt sorry that he was not able to keep in contact with him but the younger man had just brushed off his reasons, saying it’s okay, I understand.
They talked about everything and anything. What Uchi was up to- he had graduated from university with honours and is now working at a major advertisement firm- the latest movie and music, if Uchi still wanted to come back to the entertainment scene, which the younger man can only shrug, saying he doesn’t know and about their friends.
They sat there for long hours, ordering more coffee and snacks and laughing and in that period of time, thoughts of his girlfriend were gone.
Uchi still looked the same, though his eyes were more guarded and he wasn’t as skinny as before. He still had that slightly royal look, thanks to blue blood running through his veins and he still retained that same sense of humour.
“I missed you. It was so difficult at first, but I learned to cope with it. Seeing you now...” Uchi said and smiled tentatively, “Seeing you now, I feel happy, like a part of me is fulfilled.”
Ryo didn’t know what to say in response to that so he smiled, reached across the tiny table and intertwined his fingers with his long ones. He looked at the young man and saw the need in his eyes. He recognized that look of desire and he nods his head, knowing that Uchi understood that gesture. Quietly and slowly they stood up from the table and headed to his hotel, fingers still intertwined.
~
He stood up to get dress to get coffee for both of them, when he felt something under his feet. Bending down, he realized that it was the ring. He stared at it, stunned and realized that, he had cheated on her. He suddenly felt as though he had made a huge mistake. He turned to look at the younger man lying on the bed with the rumpled sheets and thought “Fuck, what have I done?”
He quickly dressed, stuffed the ring back into his pocket and grabbed his phone. He left a note for Uchi and walked out the door.
He suddenly felt suffocated with emotions and his head was swimming. He felt dizzy and had to bend down, to get the blood rushing back to his head. He stayed in that awkward position for a long time, taking deep steady breaths. Once he felt that he was better, he straightened and started to walk. He had just reached an empty park when his cell began to vibrate. He picked it up without looking at the i.d. It was her.
“Hey baby, I just called to let you know that I’m on my way back. Can’t talk now cause the reception is really bad. I hope you can hear me. I’ll see you soon, and baby, I have great news! Love you loads.” She hanged up without him being able to get a word in. Normally he would have been pissed but looking at the circumstances now, he doesn’t think he has the right too.
He sat heavily on one of the park benches and hung his head. What have I done? The initial joy was now replaced with the feeling of extreme dread. He had not told Uchi about her nor had he told her about him. He took out the ring and stared at it. It glinted in the sunlight and he remembered his promise to her, “I’ll never leave.” He let out a roar of frustration, scaring a few kids who were playing nearby and he rammed his fingers through his hair. He felt at lost now. He picked up his phone, wanting to call someone to share his problems with but he realized he couldn’t. This was his mess; he will have to clear it up by himself. He waited for that tiny voice from his heart to tell him what to do next, as it had before, but the voice was strangely quiet.
Frustrated and angry with no resolve in mind, he stood up, to get coffee from across the road, slipping the ring back onto his finger.
~
Uchi woke up and stretched. He reached for Ryo but was surprised that his side of the bed was empty. He sat up and realized that Ryo was gone. Then he spied the note, which was left on the bed stand next to him
I have to leave. Wait for me.
He did not even bother to leave his name! Uchi thought with disgust. He stood up and gathered his clothes. Once he was dressed, he called room service and patiently waited for Ryo, sitting at the chair placed by the balcony, which offered a breath taking view of Tokyo.
It had been several hours now but Ryo was still gone. He was bored. He had dialed Ryo’s cell a couple of times but to no avail. He had already read the papers delivered to the room along with his breakfast, cleaned up the bed and tidied up the room. He switched on the TV, thinking that he could waste some time watching cartoons. He was channel surfing when the news bulletin caught his attention.
“Oh no, it can’t be!” He thought and rushed out of the room, with the TV still on.
The scene of the accident was complete and utter chaos. The red and blue light from police cars and ambulances flashed constantly. Curious onlookers gathered at the sides, wanting to know what had happen and there was a traffic jam, as officials tried to clear away the debris. Uchi’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, his imagination going astray.
“Please let him be okay, please let him be ok, please god.” He prayed. He fought his way through the crowd to get a better view of the accident and his heart sank.
“There’s no way he could have survived that.” He thought.
He grabbed the first official he saw and demanded details. Once he found out which hospital Ryo was sent too, he quickly made his way down, his fingers furiously dialing numbers of people he knew.
All of them waited bleakly by the hospital corridor. Members of NEWS and K8 were there, along with Jin, Kame and a girl he did not recognize. Ryo’s family was rushing down from Osaka and would be here soon. They were surprised to see him, hugging him, but they were more concerned with the person who was in the operating theatre.
A policeman came to give them details of the accident. He was crossing the road to get to the shop at the opposite side and did not notice the incoming car. The driver was not able to break in time and had hit him. The sudden brake by the car had caused another car to hit the car that had hit Ryo. When paramedics found him, he was unconscious but still alive. They rushed him to the hospital, where he was being operated still. The drivers of the two cars escaped without any major injuries.
“”We found this on him.” The policeman said and took out a small plastic case. In it was a gold band. There was an audible gasp from the girl and she began to cry. Great, heaving sobs that shook her entire body. Yamapi held her close and tried to comfort her. No one was left with a dry eye. The policeman left the grieving group and gave the plastic case to Yamapi.
Not long after, the doctor appeared from the operating theatre, his operating gown stained with blood.
“Ryo’s blood” Uchi thought.
The doctor stood in front of the group, not saying anything. And everyone knew then, without a doubt, that Ryo was gone.
“I’m sorry.” The doctor said, “I tried my best.”
~
It has been over a year now and he still misses Ryo. The pain was so acute. He had found his love only to lose him again. He headed down to his grave and realized that there was a girl standing in front of it. In her arms was a small child. He recognized her as the girl from the hospital, though he did not have a chance to talk to her since then.
He stood beside her, closed his eyes and muttered a prayer. His hands reached out to touch the smooth marble of the headstone and placed a single flower. Both of them stood there, sharing the grief.
Finally, he spoke up “You miss him?”
“Every single day.” She replied, her voice thick with emotion. Her eyes shone with unshed tears and he wondered who this girl was to Ryo. He noticed a gold band around her ring finger and another, which she wore around her neck.
“Is he yours?” He asked, reaching out to ruffle the boy’s hair. He was only a few months old, but yet, there was something familiar about him. He looked strangely like…
“Yeah. He’s ours. I wanted to tell him that I was… that I was pregnant, but he left.” And this time, tears spilled from her almond shape eyes, staining her cheeks with their dampness.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” And she turned away, cradling the child in her arms.
Uchi stood there, stunned. He watched the girl walk away, her long hair swaying across her back.
The child was Ryo’s? He turned around to face the grave and realized that the one person that could have given him an answer, was gone.
“That was why he had to leave.” Uchi thought. He stood staring at the grave and realized that he could not conjure up any emotion, did not know how to react. He was numb all over but he knew that he did not regret his short lived time spent with him. Those were memories he will forever keep. Forever and always.
27.9.06
white band
It was a simple band made from white gold. A circle full of trust and love. They say, buying a ring is a sign of commitment, that you are willing to forever be, together.
He remembered that saying now as he played with the ring, twisting it with his thumb. It adorned his ring finger of his right hand. He stared at it wistfully then had half a mind to throw it away.
The relationship with her could only be best described as a rocky one. There were moments of intense love and extreme anger. Their relationship could never be described as being placid; it was a constant roller coaster ride. As the months passed, he found it more and more difficult to put up with her tantrums, her needs. He thought he could handle it, but he was wrong. He wondered when it was that he began to feel this way, but found that he could not bear to find out. He just wanted it all to end. He could not take the stress, juggling both a career as an entertainer and being in a relationship with her. He decided then, as he sat on the swing of the empty playground that something had to go. And it wouldn’t be his career.
He recalled their last argument, one that had taken place just a few hours ago. He shook his head, thinking of the petty argument. They were so silly. He did now know why he kept on hurting her the way he did. It just seems so ridiculous now.
As he contemplated the thought of leaving her, he realized how foolish a move that will be. As much as she frustrated him, she brought him joy too. A feeling that he hadn’t felt for a long time, not since…
“I should go apologize” he thought, though he wasn’t sure as to why he had too. He stood up, getting ready to leave when he heard his name being called from behind.
“Ryo” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“I was just about to go find you.” He said.
She took the few steps that would lead her to him. “I just wanted to, apologize. I’m sorry”
She stood before him, her eyes firmly locked into his. He couldn’t help but look away. Even now, he was struck by her beauty, his heart still pounded fast, like the first time he saw her. He still felt shy around her.
He wanted to reach out, to stoke her hair, to say it’s ok, I’m sorry too, but what came out instead was “Oh, is that it?”
He mentally gave himself a smack on his forehead. “Could I be even more stupid?”
He didn’t think he could bare to see the hurt that would be reflected in her eyes so he turned around, wanting to walk away.
“You stupid idiot” He chided to himself.
He nary took a few steps when he felt her arms snake across his waist, her head resting on his back. She had done that one thing, that one thing which she knew would make his knees go all jelly like; she had hugged him, hard, from behind.
“Don’t go. Please, don’t go”
He could hear the hurt in her voice, the pleading tone. He bit his lip and stared straight ahead. Then he felt her lips press softly to the back of his neck. He closed his eyes to savor the feeling and rested his hands on hers. He knew then that no matter what, this was worth holding on too.
He unclasped her arms from around his waist and turned, gathering her into his arms.
Hugging her tight, he played with her hair, curling one long strand around his finger.
“I’ll never leave” he promised.
And he looked at the simple band around his finger, forever and always.
i feel better, i guess after retyping this out. i had it for awhile (:
26.9.06
271
finally managed to go terawih today. now ramadhan will be complete! looking at the situation here, i understand why my cousin hopes to settle in syria one day. it's a completely different environment there. i guess you can say that they embrace islam more, it's a way of life. here, even though you are a malay, you might not be practicing the religion you are born into. i'm not saying that i'm the perfect muslim, i do have my moments but i give it a go, i try. sometimes it's sad to see malay youths, is it any wonder why i kind of detest malay-malay? but sometimes even people like that surprise me. i met a girl once at an interview and her appearance was, well. as in, one glance and i thought oh boy, here we go again, but she surprised me. she married young but she married under the best of intentions. she's not afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself. she refuses to be prejudiced. i found myself kind of respecting her. she might not have much of an education but she managed to find jobs that were able to sustain her till now. i guess it pays to have street smarts too.
i realised that i dont know much about life. i am not exposed to alot of things. i still think that everyone has a family that they can count on, cousins that can make you laugh and smile and friends who will support you all the way. there are those that dont have all that. they have to work their butts off just to support themselves. they come home to ungrateful parents who could not care less about them. they are lonely and alone and they have no one to turn too. makes me cherish what i have here. but sometimes i take them for granted. i thank god for what i have and i hope and pray that i wont end up in such devastating situations. i feel sorry for people in those kind of situations but after a while, what can i do? feeling sorry for them will not make things any better. i wonder how they survived and how they will turn out in the future. i hope they learn from past experiences and move on.
will you ever betray your bestfriend? or will you forever be loyal? standing by her side no questions asked. i guess that's why nana struck a chord with me. it's that loyalty, that feeling knowing that no matter what, she has your back and you have hers. that absolute certainty.
i dont know, i guess i'm just feeling weird. poly's going to end soon, madrasah is ending this year and then what? i never really thought this far. i worried about the o's and now i worry about uni. it's a huge step. dad's not being very supportive and i guess it's cause he refuses to find out more about the course, thinking that oh it's just this and that. i'm at fault for not letting him know more but i'm never the type to talk about school to them. sure i might say that i directed a programme but sometimes their lack of interest just kinds of, burns. i guess that's why i dont talk much about school. he thinks it's easy, he assumes that it is and i dont need the constant reminders of having to do well. i dont need him yakking at the back, as though making me regret my decision of going into cmm. he bloody well wanted me to go into some fucked up chemical engineering thing but i refuse. i mean, there are people who did that and ended up being teachers. what's the point then? and i dont care if my cousins got into uni and i dont. okay i might mull over it for awhile but hello, get over it. he shouldnt fucking care either. it's not some status game okay. gaaaahhh
now i'm all worked up.
i already know i cant afford to study overseas and it's sad to think that he wont pay for that. if i do want to continue, i have to pay for it for myself. i'm envious of people who have parents who will pay for their education overseas. but i guess it's not fair to them either. there is still my brother to think about and the house and the bills and the other small tiny things. and i'm wondering if i can even afford to go to japan at this point of time. money sucks. we should just go back to barter trade. then i can exchange my bed for a trip to japan or some crap like that.
now i feel fucking down! god sometimes writing sucks!
i realised that i dont know much about life. i am not exposed to alot of things. i still think that everyone has a family that they can count on, cousins that can make you laugh and smile and friends who will support you all the way. there are those that dont have all that. they have to work their butts off just to support themselves. they come home to ungrateful parents who could not care less about them. they are lonely and alone and they have no one to turn too. makes me cherish what i have here. but sometimes i take them for granted. i thank god for what i have and i hope and pray that i wont end up in such devastating situations. i feel sorry for people in those kind of situations but after a while, what can i do? feeling sorry for them will not make things any better. i wonder how they survived and how they will turn out in the future. i hope they learn from past experiences and move on.
will you ever betray your bestfriend? or will you forever be loyal? standing by her side no questions asked. i guess that's why nana struck a chord with me. it's that loyalty, that feeling knowing that no matter what, she has your back and you have hers. that absolute certainty.
i dont know, i guess i'm just feeling weird. poly's going to end soon, madrasah is ending this year and then what? i never really thought this far. i worried about the o's and now i worry about uni. it's a huge step. dad's not being very supportive and i guess it's cause he refuses to find out more about the course, thinking that oh it's just this and that. i'm at fault for not letting him know more but i'm never the type to talk about school to them. sure i might say that i directed a programme but sometimes their lack of interest just kinds of, burns. i guess that's why i dont talk much about school. he thinks it's easy, he assumes that it is and i dont need the constant reminders of having to do well. i dont need him yakking at the back, as though making me regret my decision of going into cmm. he bloody well wanted me to go into some fucked up chemical engineering thing but i refuse. i mean, there are people who did that and ended up being teachers. what's the point then? and i dont care if my cousins got into uni and i dont. okay i might mull over it for awhile but hello, get over it. he shouldnt fucking care either. it's not some status game okay. gaaaahhh
now i'm all worked up.
i already know i cant afford to study overseas and it's sad to think that he wont pay for that. if i do want to continue, i have to pay for it for myself. i'm envious of people who have parents who will pay for their education overseas. but i guess it's not fair to them either. there is still my brother to think about and the house and the bills and the other small tiny things. and i'm wondering if i can even afford to go to japan at this point of time. money sucks. we should just go back to barter trade. then i can exchange my bed for a trip to japan or some crap like that.
now i feel fucking down! god sometimes writing sucks!
25.9.06
270
sometimes i feel so detached, like i cant be bothered to care about anyone or anything. reading seems like a chore. hady won singapore idol, good for him. i actually voted for him once. heh
my cousin must be jumping around like mad! i thought it would be jon due to the fact that taufik won the last one but well, i hope he makes us proud.
ankle is much better, thanks kaman for the sms (:
i just iced it till it got frozen and atuk poured some magic water over it. i swear the swelling came down after the first time! and oh, cancel the bit about no one translating his j-webs, it's up now though it's super uber short! apparently the turtle went to the salon! new hair cut! wonder how that will look like
lalalalalalala
tjan, just disappear lah k. what time do you come online?!! gaaaaahhh
my cousin must be jumping around like mad! i thought it would be jon due to the fact that taufik won the last one but well, i hope he makes us proud.
ankle is much better, thanks kaman for the sms (:
i just iced it till it got frozen and atuk poured some magic water over it. i swear the swelling came down after the first time! and oh, cancel the bit about no one translating his j-webs, it's up now though it's super uber short! apparently the turtle went to the salon! new hair cut! wonder how that will look like
lalalalalalala
tjan, just disappear lah k. what time do you come online?!! gaaaaahhh
23.9.06
269
i busted my ankle today. there was a cyclist behind me who saw me fall but he didn't even offer to help! i think he was stunned to see me trip. gaaaahhh. so my right foot is all swollen now and it sucks cause i had to miss terawih. i'm limping all over the house. not sure how i'm going to go to madrasah tomorrow. i'm trying not to make a big deal out of it but the thought of walking and wearing a pair of jeans just pains me. ):
went out with kaman yesterday (: i tried mooncake and some weird jelly wasabe thingy. not a big fan of both but at least i can say i tried! (:
i love love love the fish thingy though! that one is super duper delicious. now i want one more! but fasting month is coming up and eating that thing cold is not nice.
wasted my time again trying to find a job. grrrr. i ended up going to tamp to get breakfast for my brother and me. everything is not working out for me this month! the tuition, the shop, now this. why jennifer why?! was pretty down about the job thing but hey, better things to worry about right.trying to be positive here. i hope my ankle gets better soon!
and i swear no one is translating ryo's j-web entries! cause that was translated by this girl called helen but she's going all diva now. i mean, share the j.e love already! stop being so prissy. baaah
i dont wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid
went out with kaman yesterday (: i tried mooncake and some weird jelly wasabe thingy. not a big fan of both but at least i can say i tried! (:
i love love love the fish thingy though! that one is super duper delicious. now i want one more! but fasting month is coming up and eating that thing cold is not nice.
wasted my time again trying to find a job. grrrr. i ended up going to tamp to get breakfast for my brother and me. everything is not working out for me this month! the tuition, the shop, now this. why jennifer why?! was pretty down about the job thing but hey, better things to worry about right.trying to be positive here. i hope my ankle gets better soon!
and i swear no one is translating ryo's j-web entries! cause that was translated by this girl called helen but she's going all diva now. i mean, share the j.e love already! stop being so prissy. baaah
i dont wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid
21.9.06
268
watching love actually always leaves me in a very christmasy mood! all that love, dont know why tjan doesn't love that show. that show is awesome like wow okay (:
just read about the thailand coup in the papers this morning. i feel very excited! i never knew about past military coups before so now that one is happening, i intend to fully follow it! of course the people who are affected might not be feeling the same way but well, i'm safe here. hopefully.
i still cant belive that mom can be so selfish; not wanting my cousin to go overseas to pursue a job opportunity, citing reasons that my grandma and her will miss him like mad. which is complete and utter bullshit. i am all out for him to go, but ultimately, the decision is in his hands. opportunities like this should not be passed up. it's for his own future, he should go. i hope he goes. no point in staying here.
"god only knows how i feel about you...god only knows"
//edit: how many times have i changed skin this month? sheesh. super simple, background is a texture taken from a website here
just read about the thailand coup in the papers this morning. i feel very excited! i never knew about past military coups before so now that one is happening, i intend to fully follow it! of course the people who are affected might not be feeling the same way but well, i'm safe here. hopefully.
i still cant belive that mom can be so selfish; not wanting my cousin to go overseas to pursue a job opportunity, citing reasons that my grandma and her will miss him like mad. which is complete and utter bullshit. i am all out for him to go, but ultimately, the decision is in his hands. opportunities like this should not be passed up. it's for his own future, he should go. i hope he goes. no point in staying here.
"god only knows how i feel about you...god only knows"
//edit: how many times have i changed skin this month? sheesh. super simple, background is a texture taken from a website here
20.9.06
267
i am a bitter girl because everyone is locking up thier fan-girling entries. where am i going to get my j.e crack from?!!!
baaaahhhhh
baaaahhhhh
17.9.06
266
today was spent at the madrasah as usual, hanging out and the day ended with us at the bus stop contemplating the future. i've known em, specially the butterfly miss for six years now and they have been a constant, every week, for the past six years, meeting up for a few hours of classes and laughter. to think that next year will come and i wont be seeing them anymore is, strange. i'll miss them definitely but they have their own plans, and well, i guess i have mine.
everyone is moving forward, no one is going to be stuck here. and a new year will bring new things, new adventures. what are the highlight this year? shanghai i suppose, my birthday, as always and the friends. i crack my brains but there's nothing. everyone has something and what do i have? zero, zilch. how am i suppose to compete with them? they are so much more ahead and i'm left behind. it didnt bother me before but this thought has been at the back of my mind, nagging at me. i'm glad i have this journal as it's a place of memories. what had happened, thoughts, feelings. that i can select certain periods of time where i'm the most happy, most sad, anything and everything. read it and weep, cringe, smile.
weird fantasies. why must the boy be so confusing? to quote "then now you know me as a boy who you don't know. that's a good start" how am i suppose to answer that? so i went, "yeah i guess" please, no sane people right?
and now i'm scared, what if i'm not in the same class as the lovelies? what if i have to face sem 2 all alone. sigh. i'm so used to sitting at home and laughing that the thought of school is like, a monster, lurking just around the corner. for some reason, tp seems like a far away place, it seems like eons ago since i last step foot there. oh baaaahhh.
but i still have a month no? days are passing by so fast.
on the other hand, i got a whole list of ryo's solo and hearing his chibi voice and his voice now is much love. "i miss you toonniiggghhtttt, howw long, must i wait forr youu.."
killing the english pronounciation, but cute nonetheless. why jennifer why?
i dont know how to end this! i love papparazzi shots.
everyone is moving forward, no one is going to be stuck here. and a new year will bring new things, new adventures. what are the highlight this year? shanghai i suppose, my birthday, as always and the friends. i crack my brains but there's nothing. everyone has something and what do i have? zero, zilch. how am i suppose to compete with them? they are so much more ahead and i'm left behind. it didnt bother me before but this thought has been at the back of my mind, nagging at me. i'm glad i have this journal as it's a place of memories. what had happened, thoughts, feelings. that i can select certain periods of time where i'm the most happy, most sad, anything and everything. read it and weep, cringe, smile.
weird fantasies. why must the boy be so confusing? to quote "then now you know me as a boy who you don't know. that's a good start" how am i suppose to answer that? so i went, "yeah i guess" please, no sane people right?
and now i'm scared, what if i'm not in the same class as the lovelies? what if i have to face sem 2 all alone. sigh. i'm so used to sitting at home and laughing that the thought of school is like, a monster, lurking just around the corner. for some reason, tp seems like a far away place, it seems like eons ago since i last step foot there. oh baaaahhh.
but i still have a month no? days are passing by so fast.
on the other hand, i got a whole list of ryo's solo and hearing his chibi voice and his voice now is much love. "i miss you toonniiggghhtttt, howw long, must i wait forr youu.."
killing the english pronounciation, but cute nonetheless. why jennifer why?
i dont know how to end this! i love papparazzi shots.
oh look at the smiles and shiny faces ((:
14.9.06
265
i dreamt that sha could drive. she was driving me to the airport? cant remember. i was suppose to leave for russia for a month and i had not packed a single thing. she was mad at me in the dream and i was confused as to why she was feeling that way. she drove really slowly though. it was a black car. i was going to russia for a month for pete's sake! pfffftt
and i got a b for french! who would have thought that?
and i got a b for french! who would have thought that?
12.9.06
264
because sometimes, the harder you try, the more difficult it seems to get to that one elusive thing.
sometimes it's better to just take a seat back and forget about the things that had happened or will happen. i guess it's because it's a lazy afternoon and i realised i have way too many pics of ryo in my lappie. i dreamt of kanjani and how they kept leaving a space fit for one person to indicate that uchi is coming back. have i mentioned that i hate ryo's new hair?
i'm sure imf will be just fine, don't worry about it. just do you best k *hugs*
and getting married so fast? it's scary how fast we cross the line, to embrace a new future.
i know she will most probably be the first among the three of us, but now?! that's like...
imagining her as a wife and thinking of the ridiculous times we shared, it's almost nostalgic.
but it's not really confirmed yet is it? everyone's growing up, moving on. if only time does not exist.
the need to find a job is not that bad now though i have tons of things to save for.
i'm suppose to pay for my own license and save up for japan. that's like, more then 5k. as zy said, i might have to resort to eating grass for the next one year. even then, i'm not even sure if i have enough money. all this talk about me acting my age, how i'm suppose to act more 18, if there ever is a way too, is beginning to get on my nerves. give me a break and let me be. sometimes i dont want to leave the comfort zone but i know i have to, to test myself. see what sort of person i can be. i have to start somewhere i guess.
i just got the driving book from my cousin last night. that thing is a bore. thank god there are pictures. pfffffft
man boobs ((:
sometimes it's better to just take a seat back and forget about the things that had happened or will happen. i guess it's because it's a lazy afternoon and i realised i have way too many pics of ryo in my lappie. i dreamt of kanjani and how they kept leaving a space fit for one person to indicate that uchi is coming back. have i mentioned that i hate ryo's new hair?
i'm sure imf will be just fine, don't worry about it. just do you best k *hugs*
and getting married so fast? it's scary how fast we cross the line, to embrace a new future.
i know she will most probably be the first among the three of us, but now?! that's like...
imagining her as a wife and thinking of the ridiculous times we shared, it's almost nostalgic.
but it's not really confirmed yet is it? everyone's growing up, moving on. if only time does not exist.
the need to find a job is not that bad now though i have tons of things to save for.
i'm suppose to pay for my own license and save up for japan. that's like, more then 5k. as zy said, i might have to resort to eating grass for the next one year. even then, i'm not even sure if i have enough money. all this talk about me acting my age, how i'm suppose to act more 18, if there ever is a way too, is beginning to get on my nerves. give me a break and let me be. sometimes i dont want to leave the comfort zone but i know i have to, to test myself. see what sort of person i can be. i have to start somewhere i guess.
i just got the driving book from my cousin last night. that thing is a bore. thank god there are pictures. pfffffft
man boobs ((:
263
i am about this close to tearing my hair out trying to figure out the layout for lj
patience nad, patience. baaahhh
can't believe it came on my last day!
and hang ten! hang ten!
pfffft
patience nad, patience. baaahhh
can't believe it came on my last day!
and hang ten! hang ten!
pfffft
11.9.06
9.9.06
260
i love my blog skin can! yellow ranger is love. hoho.
as usual, skin best viewed in 640x480
it sucks when seen in other resolutions
lalalalalalalal
off to the kenduri!
as usual, skin best viewed in 640x480
it sucks when seen in other resolutions
lalalalalalalal
off to the kenduri!
8.9.06
259
i think i'm getting old. i get tired before two! -_-
ick.
what's going on?
fishing fishing!
the kino thingy was like pfffftt can? the shortest trip ever to town. i'm going to be jobless and broke.pish posh
ick.
what's going on?
fishing fishing!
the kino thingy was like pfffftt can? the shortest trip ever to town. i'm going to be jobless and broke.pish posh
6.9.06
258
on errr, can't exactly remember the date, three weeks ago i think, my cousin got married to a lovely young lady. he's now back in syria and the girl i think is studying in kl. very long distance huh.
the girl is very nice and she seems quite comfortable around us. seems to fit in well, which is good (:
it also rained on the day of their wedding! but it only lasted a while.
hoho. what's up with me and photos today? oh wells, here's the cousin, cause she's just too cute!
257
hey ho! the boy smsed (:
anyways, on monday, we celebrated my birthday!
look at all the shaky shots!
anyways, on monday, we celebrated my birthday!
look at all the shaky shots!
then we tried again to take a group photo, but ...
zy kept getting cut off. so have to settle for this. can you see her there at the back? hoho
love em loads! the rest of the piccttuurreessss
they got me that brooch! hoho.
had lunch at secret receipe first where we had two cakes! it was just me tjan and kaman and they sang me a birthday song but i didnt manage to make a wish cause i accidentally blew out the candle. but oh wells, wishes schmises. then we washed devil! meryl streep is super good and anne hattaway has lovely eyes. all i love were the shoes though! shoes shoes shoes! watched it again just now with the bestie.
anyway, then we met up with chong2 and rara and we shopped around before dinner. dinner was a bunch of laughs! and who would have thought that pizza was so filling! yummy goodness i tell you! couldnt have spent the day with a better bunch of people. so many cancelled out but thank goodness for them! <33
and tjan, THE NOTE! i will kill you the next time i see you i swear! ((:
so, this is the birthday post. next will be the wedding post!
3.9.06
256
AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! ((:
have i mentioned i love birthdays? i love gifts! lol
but i hate myself for looking forward to your sms. stupid boy. stop getting my hopes up already.
oh no! can't go fishing already! why why why! i wanna go fishing! paaaaahhhh
i got lovely ryo icons from tjan and niko! uwaaaaa nice nice!
and a bag and a storybook from the bestie
*hugs and kisses*
I STILL WANT TO GO FISHING. STUPID PLACE.OPEN EARLIER GOD DAMMIT!
i find it so strange. i expect some things to feel different, or maybe i'll grow taller or my hair will grow longer but everything feels the same cept i feel happy when i see the date. heh
today was spend eating lunch with the family, having pie and then hanging out with the bestie. sometimes we talk about random things, most of the time actually, but we end up dreaming too. i like the familiarity of it all already (:
too bad sha had to work! why sha why! hoho
and the fact that i've only known my poly mates for a year only but they are so so much love!
((:
nadzirah HAPPY!
syukur for the past 18 years, i hope i'll live to see the next 18. i never thought i'd see 18 back then. but well, here i am. <3
the boy has 18 minutes left. at this rate, i dont think it'll happen lah k. pfffftttt
KA MAN ARE YOU BACK HOME ALREADY?! ((:
//edit: oh shit nasir just called and he said giant and i heard the complete opposite and i thought it was the boy and then i fainted and then i died cause dad woke up and i dont know if he heard what i said! omg! panic for a while there can?!
paaahhhh, i'll just sleep on it and hope it'll be better soon (:
have i mentioned i love birthdays? i love gifts! lol
but i hate myself for looking forward to your sms. stupid boy. stop getting my hopes up already.
oh no! can't go fishing already! why why why! i wanna go fishing! paaaaahhhh
i got lovely ryo icons from tjan and niko! uwaaaaa nice nice!
and a bag and a storybook from the bestie
*hugs and kisses*
I STILL WANT TO GO FISHING. STUPID PLACE.OPEN EARLIER GOD DAMMIT!
i find it so strange. i expect some things to feel different, or maybe i'll grow taller or my hair will grow longer but everything feels the same cept i feel happy when i see the date. heh
today was spend eating lunch with the family, having pie and then hanging out with the bestie. sometimes we talk about random things, most of the time actually, but we end up dreaming too. i like the familiarity of it all already (:
too bad sha had to work! why sha why! hoho
and the fact that i've only known my poly mates for a year only but they are so so much love!
((:
nadzirah HAPPY!
syukur for the past 18 years, i hope i'll live to see the next 18. i never thought i'd see 18 back then. but well, here i am. <3
the boy has 18 minutes left. at this rate, i dont think it'll happen lah k. pfffftttt
KA MAN ARE YOU BACK HOME ALREADY?! ((:
//edit: oh shit nasir just called and he said giant and i heard the complete opposite and i thought it was the boy and then i fainted and then i died cause dad woke up and i dont know if he heard what i said! omg! panic for a while there can?!
paaahhhh, i'll just sleep on it and hope it'll be better soon (:
2.9.06
255
hey ho let's go!
just got back from birthday dinner. i love birthdays! makes me feel loved ((:
and it also means people remember you on that day! hoho <3
lalalalalalala
thanks tjan for my sexy osaka man! *hugs* i want more i want more!
mom and dad bought me a wallet! nice nice, and it comes with money too! *rubs hand with glee*
will be going for a kino interview with denise on tues, i hope i get it! i need a job! really!
bah,this is such a pointless entry! (:
just got back from birthday dinner. i love birthdays! makes me feel loved ((:
and it also means people remember you on that day! hoho <3
lalalalalalala
thanks tjan for my sexy osaka man! *hugs* i want more i want more!
mom and dad bought me a wallet! nice nice, and it comes with money too! *rubs hand with glee*
will be going for a kino interview with denise on tues, i hope i get it! i need a job! really!
bah,this is such a pointless entry! (:
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