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i predict myself that i would be resentful, cranky and tired on wednesdays cause wednesdays are fucking long days which only ends at ten. it's raya but i dont feel like celebrating anymore. i dont understand my mood swings either so i hope you would be patient with me. if i keep quiet and not speak, i hope you'd understand. days like this happens to me often and i do not know why. blame pms, blame me, but this is it. i have bad days and good days and i wished he was here now. he wants to come over for raya and i cant say no. stupid people are kar-o-k-ing when i want to crawl into bed and shut off from the world. my heart feels heavy suddenly but i find peace being in the mosque. and talking about taking myself out from my comfort zone, welcome to the world of broadcast. i.am.so.out.of.my.league. this is freaking nuts. i just wished i wont end up as the one they laugh at when videos are showed. but i have to learn from this, views this in as much positive light as possible. so maybe it will build up my confidence and presentation skills. hopefully. wednesdays are going to suck.
):

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the bestie asked if everything was okay and i replied, yeah, he just smsed me. she meant if everything at home was okay, not about the boy. slap me please (:
thank you loves for asking, they've made up already so everything is ok back here. sorry about the worry <33

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watched little miss sunshine with zy yesterday. had a major problem at home but i'm hoping it will clear up. all this talk of possible divorces, it saddens me. if my parents were to split, i don't know how i will survive. i guess the main thing is that my brother and me will stay together. no matter how i tease him, threaten not to speak to him, beat him, he's still my brother. you have no idea how afraid i was to leave him at home yesterday. as much as i felt guilty, i wanted to go out to forget it all. i dreaded going back home and i hate playing the middle man. i just wish they would clear up the issue. now everyone is pretending it didn't happen. this month has been a bad month and it's sad cause it's suppose to be a good month. why must all this happen now? with raya coming up and all. i guess i'm just taking it day by day, playing it by ear. i feel as though i'm torn, right down the middle. i'm the neutral territory now and i hate it. cause i dont like the fact that just cause you're fighting, we have to be dragged into it. but it comes with the package of being a child right?
tension tension ):

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i left prayers with the most amazing feeling. i wanted to treasure it, to keep it, hold it close to my heart and to conserve it. i wanted to feel that way all the time. it started when they prayed in malay and i understood just what we were asking for, instead of the usual arab mumbo jumbo which i cannot decipher even if you put a gun to my head. we prayed for forgiveness and that we'll stay the hell away from hell. we prayed for our family, our friends, parents, teachers just about anybody you can think of. we prayed for goodness, for rezeki, for rahmat. i truly felt that allah is amazing then, that no matter what, the one thing that matters the most is HIM. then i felt bad cause i feel this way then but when i reach home, things will change. the feeling will be gone. so i should treasure it and think of it always. i feel protected and safe, that i lead the life i live. i'm truly blessed and i only have him to thank for. syukur, really honest to goodness syukur; that i am in this religion which teaches me right from wrong, where whatever i do, i will always be protected by prayers. cause there are prayers for every single thing that you do. eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, waking up, looking at the mirror. everything is started with a bismillah and ends with alhamdullilah. i should practice that. i should practice what i learned. but of course, saying is so much more easier then doing. and i hope that i just dont talk the talk, but walk the walk.
and i've made up my mind to try for UIA. it seems like the perfect choice now. i finally have a goal i can work towards to. insya-allah.
and it's the last ten days of ramadhan now and so far so good, i've fasted the whole way thorugh. i was so excited to learn that it's lailatul qadar too. (did i use the term correctly?!)
and hari raya is coming...and so is my basic theory. i still havent touched that book!
-
onto fangirling mode, i still get sad when i see jin. there is an overload of jin now that he really is going to be gone for good. i still expect it to be a joke but there you go, he's gone. there was this girl who wrote down exactly what i felt and i wanted to save it. i should save it. maybe i'll post it up here, then maybe i can understand why i feel this way. tjan and me both, we think that it's ridiculous that we feel this way but...sometimes, you just can't help it. i guess we have to ride the wave huh.
and kaman, reading your blog makes me feel unproductive! bleargh -___-

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to distract me from the depressing news of jin leaving, to study some more, which is utter crap, i played this game called MASH http://www.dollarshort.org/mash/
and i got this super duper perfect answer!

Your husband's name is ryo and you have 1 child. You're a singer who drives to work every day in a green suv.
It's truly a wonderful life when you consider the countless romantic nights you have spent with ryo in your shack in singapore.

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panic panic panic! oh no how how how?!
i hope it can be done in time! ((:
eeeppsss

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YAY YAY YAY!!!!
THEY ARE PLAYING LAGU RAYA ALREADY! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY

ok, i dreamt that dad died and i was crying so badly that when i woke up, i found out that i actually was crying..and promptly fell asleep again. like how freaky is that? i never had a dream like that!
sha! i hope you like the prezzie! and please, the price..it's uh...well, just smack arafah for that okay! hoho <3

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i feel very lost and aloof today. nothing interests me. i'm staring at a blank ps page, hoping for something but nothing, nothing at all. your name was mentioned in a prayer today. i saw an old friend and it made me smile, nothing changes with him. it still feels very comfortable and he still looks through my things. i might have gotten a job. the pay is not much but i keep telling myself it's for experience sake. the woman seems nice. someone talked about love actually. it makes me feel very christmasy. i love love actually. i wonder if my ankle will ever heal.
even ryo is not working his magic. oh no. and i'm sorry i havent posted at nhk. gimme a bit more time yeah. ):
oh cheer up

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it's something which is constant now. it feels like a roller coaster ride. i hope it stays and will never go away. but it's too early for that now isnt it? i think i ate bad cake yesterday. monday felt like old times (:
my hp is filled with smses now and i wonder if it's the same for him. is it only me? but all the waiting and waiting and waiting..
i just hope this will bring me some good

nhk?!<333