finally the week is over. i cannot believe all of us survived through three deadlines in a single week. never before have i rushed out so much work. 2 thousand words in one day, a stupid 30 second video plus 2 thirty seconds radio commercial and a 4 minute long radio feature. feels proud.
not to mention that i survived a death of a close teacher too and a test from mediacorp.
but i am somewhat doubtful over my video. i hate the fact that though you spent like a whole week or 12 hours straight on it, it looks like something which you can churn out in like 2 freaking hours. and seeing the videos of others just makes you even more depressed. and it does not help that it's like thirty percent of the course grade too. just like how the i.a for broadcast is like 50 percent worth. have i mentioned that i'm scared shitless. i'm so afraid. seriously. i dont want to flunk, i dont want to repeat. i want to get a decent grade and leave.
seriously, this past week has been a test on my patience and tolerance level and also, how much stress i can handle. based on this week, ihave to say i handled it pretty well. but it finally crashed on friday.
please do not expect me to juggle so many things. there's only so much crap i can handle. i've been home by ten this past few days and i have no time for the house, let alone myself. holding me responsible is not fair and i resent that. i totally dont dig the fact that you can just blame me for things that i am only partially responsible for. does it make you feel good to make me feel like the saddest person on earth?
i took out my anger on mom and immediately felt silly. but i cant help it. i resent the fact that i am the punching bag for everything. just fuck it all, seriously.
sometimes i dont know why i even bother.
i need a pick me up but i dont know what will work. i'm not sure right now. i'm just glad it's over and then reviewing what is to come next week and the week after next and so on. there's only three weeks left of school.
there's a limit to what i can handle and laugh off. when it comes to a point where enough is enough, dont expect me to laugh it off anymore. please do understand when i say i dont like it. i mean it. i dont mind it most of time, but seriously, try not to take it for granted. sometimes jokes can get a little old.
i just feel, frustrated i guess. i want to go away and disappear.
and i'm tired too of being the rock for everyone else. whose going to be mine? i dont know where else to draw strength from. suddenly i feel so tired.
but i'm sure things will get better, insya-allah. it helps that i've got a religion to turn too and a wacky group of friends. though it's not that big a group, i'm glad for them. for making this week slightly more bearable. XD
27.1.07
15.1.07
307
and so my dad bought me a ds lite, which is so much love XD but i do feel slightly guilty cause well, i don't need it. but i have it all the same so all's good. am addicted to playing mario but tjan (who now has a new best friend) said there's an even nicer version of it. oh well, i just bought what was in store in mustaffa.
i havent laughed so much in ages today and i learnt how to fold a paper crane, at least, the second half of it. origami was never my thing, though i once bought a box set of it. i realised how truly lucky i am and am very very thankful. syukur alhamdullilah. but it's times like this where i wonder if i ever come across an obstacle, it would be a truly challenging one. like my mom said, she has never known what it is like to struggle just to make ends meet and she wonders if instead of her, her children instead would suffer. that's what i wonder too. cause you can't permanently live on cloud nine. that's the scary part. so the best bet is to not take everything for granted, always always be thankful and remember that what you have is not technically yours.
i havent laughed so much in ages today and i learnt how to fold a paper crane, at least, the second half of it. origami was never my thing, though i once bought a box set of it. i realised how truly lucky i am and am very very thankful. syukur alhamdullilah. but it's times like this where i wonder if i ever come across an obstacle, it would be a truly challenging one. like my mom said, she has never known what it is like to struggle just to make ends meet and she wonders if instead of her, her children instead would suffer. that's what i wonder too. cause you can't permanently live on cloud nine. that's the scary part. so the best bet is to not take everything for granted, always always be thankful and remember that what you have is not technically yours.
4.1.07
306
i am feeling slightly irritated these days. i dont know why. i'm happy and then sad and then happy again. it's been such a roller coaster ride, especially yesterday. receiving two c's in a day does not make nad a happy girl. but i've to remember to breathe, try not to panick, ok maybe for a little while and then move on. no point dwelling you know. so who said broadcast was going to be easy? MUST. WORK. HARDER.
sem two second term is going to kill me. what with us confirm chop no joke going to be packing and moving, i have no idea how to cope. i'm trying not to imagine the stress and take each day as it is. i keep hoping that dad will say that ok, not shifting, but boxes are appearing in the house. where will my fishes go?! i've lived here for ten years. it's not a matter of friends, it's a matter of familiarity. the house has seen a lot, been through a lot. it might be peeling, leaking, dying, crumbling but IT'S MY HOUSE. i live here. my dad practically rebuilt it. i dont want some stranger living in my room with the red walls. i'm decidedly upset over this. I DONT WANT TO MOVE. i dont know why it has to be our problem. why we have to sacrifice but mom just has to be the voice of reason. i seriously cant see the bright side of this. what if dad does not want to come back here anymore?
i dont know if i'll have space to breathe in the new, well not new, house. it's old. it has green floors. you know floors that you see in the sixties. i need my own space. i have to walk through stalls selling durians to get to the place. it's inaccessible. it's not fair.
I REALLY DONT WANT TO MOVE. i'm getting upset over it now again. fuck it.
i'm being emo so leave me alone.
aaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhh. cant be emo, cant be emo, cant be emo. MUST. BE. POSITVIE.
(and that applies to you too, ms chong zheng ying)
i just want to grumble. and mumble. ok. get over it already. sigh.
still dont want to move.
sem two second term is going to kill me. what with us confirm chop no joke going to be packing and moving, i have no idea how to cope. i'm trying not to imagine the stress and take each day as it is. i keep hoping that dad will say that ok, not shifting, but boxes are appearing in the house. where will my fishes go?! i've lived here for ten years. it's not a matter of friends, it's a matter of familiarity. the house has seen a lot, been through a lot. it might be peeling, leaking, dying, crumbling but IT'S MY HOUSE. i live here. my dad practically rebuilt it. i dont want some stranger living in my room with the red walls. i'm decidedly upset over this. I DONT WANT TO MOVE. i dont know why it has to be our problem. why we have to sacrifice but mom just has to be the voice of reason. i seriously cant see the bright side of this. what if dad does not want to come back here anymore?
i dont know if i'll have space to breathe in the new, well not new, house. it's old. it has green floors. you know floors that you see in the sixties. i need my own space. i have to walk through stalls selling durians to get to the place. it's inaccessible. it's not fair.
I REALLY DONT WANT TO MOVE. i'm getting upset over it now again. fuck it.
i'm being emo so leave me alone.
aaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhh. cant be emo, cant be emo, cant be emo. MUST. BE. POSITVIE.
(and that applies to you too, ms chong zheng ying)
i just want to grumble. and mumble. ok. get over it already. sigh.
still dont want to move.
1.1.07
305
ok so it's the new year. i wanted to post something meanigful but my brain is totally fried. internet connection is not working i hope they fix the cables soon.
school is starting soon. sigh.
the madness is about to begin.
resolution? pfffft what resolutions? i just hope 07 would be a good year too.
seriously, it doesnt feel like a new year. it just feels,as per normal. nothing significant at all. so it's a new year. doesnt feel like a brand new start to me
*shrugs*
school is starting soon. sigh.
the madness is about to begin.
resolution? pfffft what resolutions? i just hope 07 would be a good year too.
seriously, it doesnt feel like a new year. it just feels,as per normal. nothing significant at all. so it's a new year. doesnt feel like a brand new start to me
*shrugs*
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