just to take a moment to breathe and to digest it all in.
you see, i know stuffs are going to happen soon enough and it did. she's looking at the bigger picture while i'm worrying on how we are going to survive day by day. but right now, we're just discussing, options, what can be done. nothing has been finalised, not until he's back. and that hopefully, god, that we will know the truth, and decide what to do next. because right now, to me, i've lost all sense of respect. i guess this is it. what he did was painful. to me, to her, all of us.
i realise that i've always been very dependent on others. time to stand on my own two feet and to see just what can be done. because, really, happiness does not last no? i see an old couple walking in the street hand in hand, her arms linked with his and i smile to myself and think, how lucky.
i guess we had our share of happiness, shit happens. but we'll survive, insya allah.
time to start pretending that everythings okay.
i dread him coming home next week
shhh, everyone has a secret.
21.3.07
20.3.07
324
i feel like writing a long meaningless entry, just full of rambles and confsuing sentences where no one, let alone myself will be able to understand. it's been ages since i wrote something meaningful, with depth and come to think of it, have i ever managed to reach that standard yet? anyone and everyone can be a journalist, she said but a part of me still wishes to think that yes, that is true, but only a handful can make it as one. i dont know if not working as a journalist for sph or mediacorp is a good thing or a bad thing. the most important thing is to go there with an open mind, and to tell myself that this is all for the experience. that i have to do good, to get a decent grade cause this work thing is going to take up six months of my third year. which is why i dont really feel that bad for being such a bumm. i figured i earned it, considering the stress that all of us went through a few months back. but sitting here, being idyll, reading fics, watching videos, i realise i kind of miss the busy-ness of it all. the panick of not being able to complete assignments in time, the late nights, the bitching and moaning and cursing and now, it's all over. very soon poly life will end, just when i thought i still have ages to go. it's scary, changes, but it's time to face challenges head on.
each time, before driving, i'll mutter a prayer, cause it helps to calm my nerves. i'm always nervous when i'm behind the wheel, but i'm feeling more comfortable with it now. it's strange to see people driving and think that omg, i can actually do that now. syukur. driving is very liberating.i feel, somewhat, independent. and it's addictive. i still have problems with turning the car though but i'm getting there. i really do want to pass on the first time round because i really want this. it's something that i've wanted. to be able to drive and i do hope i can achieve it. insya-allah. i think i'll be an ok driver XD (tjan, stop laughing <3)
the weather is humid, you know, the stickyness that you feel just before the rain starts. there's no movement at all, no wind, so everythings just stagnant and i feel sticky. but at the same time, it feels cool. but there's no wind, and that's slightly frustrating because i have no fan in my room. and i want that $2 umbrella from daiso at plaza sing. i dont know why, i just want it. it's adorable and i want it in yellow.
pucca the fish pretzel with chocolates in them. it's crunchy but it makes me feel slightly sick after eating them. i worry that my laptop will one day give up on me then i will have to find a replacement. that my nano will die on me too and these days, i'm entertaining thoughts of going jogging with just me and my nano. and you and i know that that is not ever going to happen. if only there was a private place to jog though, around here. i've been thinking of routes but there are just too many people. i miss opera. i miss the quietness of it all. no aunty and uncle kara-o-king, no screaming children, no incense smell, being able to walk outside barefooted. it's not so much the issue of space, cause the flat is quite roomy as it is, but it's just, i dont know. i'm attached to it. the leaking roof, the plastered walls, my purple couch. but i'm slowly thinking of here as home too, and i'm sure that if the time comes for us to move, i'll be missing this place too.
because for some reason, it feels comfortable living here. i dont feel awkward, i dont feel uneasy. it's peaceful. i feel safe, despite geylang being just a street away. but i could do without the mosquitoes though. freaking blood sucking monsters.
i wonder how it is that she is able to write so poetically, it's like, it comes naturally. i guess it depends on your personality, just how you view the world and sentences just appear like that because she is like that. because it's her, it's her own brand of writing. see, i admire it so much that sometimes i fear that i am trying to be like her, and that is not what i should be doing. i should be trying to find my own writing style, one that i'm comfortable with and one that reflects just who i am. it's quiet here.
so i've been struggling, to put pen to paper, to jot down random thoughts and ideas and hopefully, these will not be in vain. practice makes perfect no?
there are so many things that i want to do, but these are all in my head. i need to make an effort to actually realise them; to get my butt down in front of the piano and play my heart out, to design the ppt for madrasah, to write. i dont want to lose my ability to write. it's something that i've always held on to. i dont want to lose that, i hope i wont. and maybe, who knows, i'll start on jogging too
i'm 18 already, it's time to do something that i can be proud of.
each time, before driving, i'll mutter a prayer, cause it helps to calm my nerves. i'm always nervous when i'm behind the wheel, but i'm feeling more comfortable with it now. it's strange to see people driving and think that omg, i can actually do that now. syukur. driving is very liberating.i feel, somewhat, independent. and it's addictive. i still have problems with turning the car though but i'm getting there. i really do want to pass on the first time round because i really want this. it's something that i've wanted. to be able to drive and i do hope i can achieve it. insya-allah. i think i'll be an ok driver XD (tjan, stop laughing <3)
the weather is humid, you know, the stickyness that you feel just before the rain starts. there's no movement at all, no wind, so everythings just stagnant and i feel sticky. but at the same time, it feels cool. but there's no wind, and that's slightly frustrating because i have no fan in my room. and i want that $2 umbrella from daiso at plaza sing. i dont know why, i just want it. it's adorable and i want it in yellow.
pucca the fish pretzel with chocolates in them. it's crunchy but it makes me feel slightly sick after eating them. i worry that my laptop will one day give up on me then i will have to find a replacement. that my nano will die on me too and these days, i'm entertaining thoughts of going jogging with just me and my nano. and you and i know that that is not ever going to happen. if only there was a private place to jog though, around here. i've been thinking of routes but there are just too many people. i miss opera. i miss the quietness of it all. no aunty and uncle kara-o-king, no screaming children, no incense smell, being able to walk outside barefooted. it's not so much the issue of space, cause the flat is quite roomy as it is, but it's just, i dont know. i'm attached to it. the leaking roof, the plastered walls, my purple couch. but i'm slowly thinking of here as home too, and i'm sure that if the time comes for us to move, i'll be missing this place too.
because for some reason, it feels comfortable living here. i dont feel awkward, i dont feel uneasy. it's peaceful. i feel safe, despite geylang being just a street away. but i could do without the mosquitoes though. freaking blood sucking monsters.
i wonder how it is that she is able to write so poetically, it's like, it comes naturally. i guess it depends on your personality, just how you view the world and sentences just appear like that because she is like that. because it's her, it's her own brand of writing. see, i admire it so much that sometimes i fear that i am trying to be like her, and that is not what i should be doing. i should be trying to find my own writing style, one that i'm comfortable with and one that reflects just who i am. it's quiet here.
so i've been struggling, to put pen to paper, to jot down random thoughts and ideas and hopefully, these will not be in vain. practice makes perfect no?
there are so many things that i want to do, but these are all in my head. i need to make an effort to actually realise them; to get my butt down in front of the piano and play my heart out, to design the ppt for madrasah, to write. i dont want to lose my ability to write. it's something that i've always held on to. i dont want to lose that, i hope i wont. and maybe, who knows, i'll start on jogging too
i'm 18 already, it's time to do something that i can be proud of.
19.3.07
323
GAAAAHHH
okay, first up, results are okay. syukur, especially for radio and the gpa went down but i'm all okay. the past week has been madness. i think i went out everyday. mon was dinner with may and wanqi, tues was meeting yip and tjan, wed was out to catch a movie with arafah and sha decided not to come at the last minute, then thurs was with the cousin and we watched 300 which is utter awesomeness and i ate two fast food meals, which is not good, then fri was lunch with yip and then dinner and outing with my aunt and hannah and also, my dad flew off to indon. and then sat, thank god was stay at home day and ta-dah, it's a sunday and i slept the entire day and i wonder if i'll be able to sleep tonight.
monday is driving and so the cycle starts all over again. i'm feeling more confident about driving now, but it still scares me a bit. but i'm getting the hang of it.
AND I'M GETTING EMO OVER STUPID JYANNIS. no good, no good at all. and i'm pissed that the eng subs for the dvd is out though i'm not sure why! gah. it's great to hear news though, i just hope that the cd i ordered from cdjapan actually contributes to the freaking oricon charts! i just want my package to come. oh the shiny!
okay, first up, results are okay. syukur, especially for radio and the gpa went down but i'm all okay. the past week has been madness. i think i went out everyday. mon was dinner with may and wanqi, tues was meeting yip and tjan, wed was out to catch a movie with arafah and sha decided not to come at the last minute, then thurs was with the cousin and we watched 300 which is utter awesomeness and i ate two fast food meals, which is not good, then fri was lunch with yip and then dinner and outing with my aunt and hannah and also, my dad flew off to indon. and then sat, thank god was stay at home day and ta-dah, it's a sunday and i slept the entire day and i wonder if i'll be able to sleep tonight.
monday is driving and so the cycle starts all over again. i'm feeling more confident about driving now, but it still scares me a bit. but i'm getting the hang of it.
AND I'M GETTING EMO OVER STUPID JYANNIS. no good, no good at all. and i'm pissed that the eng subs for the dvd is out though i'm not sure why! gah. it's great to hear news though, i just hope that the cd i ordered from cdjapan actually contributes to the freaking oricon charts! i just want my package to come. oh the shiny!
14.3.07
322
you know what makes the world go round?
milk, milk makes the world go round.
not love.
drink more milk, yo *kon*
i'm anxious for the results, yet, am pretending not to care. i wish the sms will come already. end my fear. please, god. *growls*
i heart pride and prejudice to bits and pieces. i truly do.
*loves*
meeting up with old friends lagi best. it's the best feeling ever. you feel comfortable, you feel like you've known them for ages and you can laugh and say anything silly or/and stupid and they'll make fun of you but you know that they've always got your back. i heart my friends *cookies to all*
OI TJAN, *beams*
i use this ** too much.way too much.
milk, milk makes the world go round.
not love.
drink more milk, yo *kon*
i'm anxious for the results, yet, am pretending not to care. i wish the sms will come already. end my fear. please, god. *growls*
i heart pride and prejudice to bits and pieces. i truly do.
*loves*
meeting up with old friends lagi best. it's the best feeling ever. you feel comfortable, you feel like you've known them for ages and you can laugh and say anything silly or/and stupid and they'll make fun of you but you know that they've always got your back. i heart my friends *cookies to all*
OI TJAN, *beams*
i use this ** too much.way too much.
12.3.07
321
this is seriously bad, i think i'm an internet addict! and it is freaking me out. all day, i'm in front of the comp and i would be doing nothing except for reading fics, talking to gwynn or chatting over on msn. i'm leading such an unproductive life. but then of course,for the next six months, i'll be working my ass off so better take this opportunity no? dad doesnt understand what i'm doing in front of the laptop and keeps asking me to sleep, but i think he will more or less give up on it already.
holidays so far, so good, results in the next few days. fuck, i hope i'd do okay.
driving is seriously fun! and my instructor is quite cool too, despite him screaming at me before. but it was all good and i managed to drive and yes, no pedestrians/cats/lamp post/rubbish bin was knocked down. i was just making rounds though in the carpark and because i was always turning right, the moment he asked me to turn left, i panicked! and i got honked! by a lorry driver! stupid ass, can't you see i'm LEARNING! wah seh. but he made me go on to the road, but thank god i did not stall. test date is on the tenth of august and i hope hope hope i can at least get an off day or something *crosses fingers* and if i pass, i'll be driving before my 19th birthday! YAY! accomplishment, totally. insya-allah.
holidays so far, so good, results in the next few days. fuck, i hope i'd do okay.
driving is seriously fun! and my instructor is quite cool too, despite him screaming at me before. but it was all good and i managed to drive and yes, no pedestrians/cats/lamp post/rubbish bin was knocked down. i was just making rounds though in the carpark and because i was always turning right, the moment he asked me to turn left, i panicked! and i got honked! by a lorry driver! stupid ass, can't you see i'm LEARNING! wah seh. but he made me go on to the road, but thank god i did not stall. test date is on the tenth of august and i hope hope hope i can at least get an off day or something *crosses fingers* and if i pass, i'll be driving before my 19th birthday! YAY! accomplishment, totally. insya-allah.
8.3.07
320
i think tjan and chong will want to kill me right now. i honestly did not know that my home desktop had the trojan virus. went to plug in my disk drive into the desktop and then onto the lappie and then they plugged in their stuffs into the lappie and i think they got it too. truly sorry. gaaaah
i'm worried too, cause i hope they'll be able to get rid of the virus. ra just did a virus scan on my disk drive and deleted the file. so i hope it'll work fine for them too. technology hates me. truly.
but my laptop has been reformated now. so all's good and clean inside. thank god for ra who did most of it cause mr lim was on mc. *throws daggers* then the people at the cyber centre installed a virus scan for me also and he expects me to download some more, which i will do in a while. maybe tomorrow.
i'm worried too, cause i hope they'll be able to get rid of the virus. ra just did a virus scan on my disk drive and deleted the file. so i hope it'll work fine for them too. technology hates me. truly.
but my laptop has been reformated now. so all's good and clean inside. thank god for ra who did most of it cause mr lim was on mc. *throws daggers* then the people at the cyber centre installed a virus scan for me also and he expects me to download some more, which i will do in a while. maybe tomorrow.
5.3.07
319
i swear there is no other right time to kill myself then right now.
because, the story goes like this. i.e was killing me, it was shutting down just oh so often and it always always always occurs when i am in the middle of downloading something. which is why after six attempts, i have yet to manage finish downloading the sc subbed episodes which gwynn has been flailing about. there's toma! and news! and kattun! and k8! and omg, i'm such a fan girl. *kills*
so i went to download mozzilla, and feeling like a smart ass,tried to delete ie. but then ie's deleting process screwed up halfway. then, i realised that mozilla cannot at all, by no means, attempt to download files from CLUBBOX OR MEDIA FIRE. but it works fine for sensdspace. why must technology hate me? so i tried to reinstall ie but to no avail. at all. i tried a gazillion times, i tried to restore the computer. i restarted the computer for so many times that i swear it would just break down on me, but thank god it didnt. i heart my lappie. so now i am tempted to tinkle with ie just one last time but i know i shouldnt. i just hope that the amazing tech people in school will be able to do something about it. *prays*
if not, no CLUBBOX FOR ME AND I WILL DIE. SURELY DIE. because it means no more subbed files, no more gilmore, no more HYD no more JE. i have to rely on ss and that's not working half the time! so i hope! and i am so tempted to add in if there's a god out there because of course there is one! that the tech geeks will be able to fix this for me. lesson learnt. thou shall not, at any time, try to delete a microsoft component *head bangs*
on the other hand, CHONG ZHENG YING YOU SUPER POWER LAH! XD
that sleepy girl managed to entertain me for quite a while last night! i heart going out with her cause we end up making so much noise and then i'll be laughing like no body's business and half the time, i'll be screaming at her. she's also my fireworks buddy! yay! (:
and last night we had such an awesome spot! except for the couple in front who was trying to take pictures of themselves with the fireworks as a background *rolls eyes*
so we got there early, hanged around with randy who was working as an usher and listened to some groovy chinese music. the guy had such an amazing voice, if only he was taller or handsomer. then the fireworks began and as usual, fireworks are just awesome. i like the loud sounds the most. where each boom just makes your heart beat slightly faster and it leaves a ringing in your ears. awwweesooommmeeeee.
then the show ended and then we hanged around with randy some more while the band played a second set. it was a repeat set though. there was a guy who could beatbox and of course i thought of my red lego peace! XD
had zy take a picture of the beatboxer too! halfway he started singing "i'm bringing sexy back and then there was i'm a ssslllaaavveve for youuuu"
and then! there was this old apek who i swear looks just like mr pok who was dancing this weird para para dance moves! he was grrooovviiing! but it was like, stilted dance moves. he must have been paid by esplanade or the band to do that short dance! halfway he looked like a chicken dancing though.i applaud him though, for his courage!
then then then, we hanged around some more while waiting for randy to finish and then we caught bits of a world without thieves. it was slightly ridiculous though and halfway, andy lau's wig flew off! then it started to get all morally and it was a bit painful to sit on the pavement caused we watched the show when it was already showing halfway. (ok long sentence!)
we left because i didnt want to miss the last train back and bought a super expensive muffin but it was blueberry and it was warm but i could have just kicked that server! wah lau, luckily i'm nice. *growls*
and then! because the streets were almost empty, i made zy and randy play the
"cannot step on the dark parts of the pavement game" but zy gave up halfway because she's lousy. so after minutes of lunging and jumping, i had the brightest idea to run for the traffic light when people behind us were still strolling! and that girl actually beat me! lousy. oh wells. i cant believe i ran. haha! that was so stupid! but i had so much fun! and it was awesome to just let loose after so looonnnggg! i heart!
and then hopefully tomorrow, i have my ie and clubbox back and then we're going to watch letters! like after so long and mise restocked! and i have ryo's painting like yeesssss!!! and it.is.beautiful and the pv is out! and it is such lovvvvveeee!!
first driving lesson is on friday! at 11! i'm abit apprehensive but we'll see how it goes! yay!
and ta-da! painting! i'm obsessed with it. truly. <33
i swear i sound so high!
because, the story goes like this. i.e was killing me, it was shutting down just oh so often and it always always always occurs when i am in the middle of downloading something. which is why after six attempts, i have yet to manage finish downloading the sc subbed episodes which gwynn has been flailing about. there's toma! and news! and kattun! and k8! and omg, i'm such a fan girl. *kills*
so i went to download mozzilla, and feeling like a smart ass,tried to delete ie. but then ie's deleting process screwed up halfway. then, i realised that mozilla cannot at all, by no means, attempt to download files from CLUBBOX OR MEDIA FIRE. but it works fine for sensdspace. why must technology hate me? so i tried to reinstall ie but to no avail. at all. i tried a gazillion times, i tried to restore the computer. i restarted the computer for so many times that i swear it would just break down on me, but thank god it didnt. i heart my lappie. so now i am tempted to tinkle with ie just one last time but i know i shouldnt. i just hope that the amazing tech people in school will be able to do something about it. *prays*
if not, no CLUBBOX FOR ME AND I WILL DIE. SURELY DIE. because it means no more subbed files, no more gilmore, no more HYD no more JE. i have to rely on ss and that's not working half the time! so i hope! and i am so tempted to add in if there's a god out there because of course there is one! that the tech geeks will be able to fix this for me. lesson learnt. thou shall not, at any time, try to delete a microsoft component *head bangs*
on the other hand, CHONG ZHENG YING YOU SUPER POWER LAH! XD
that sleepy girl managed to entertain me for quite a while last night! i heart going out with her cause we end up making so much noise and then i'll be laughing like no body's business and half the time, i'll be screaming at her. she's also my fireworks buddy! yay! (:
and last night we had such an awesome spot! except for the couple in front who was trying to take pictures of themselves with the fireworks as a background *rolls eyes*
so we got there early, hanged around with randy who was working as an usher and listened to some groovy chinese music. the guy had such an amazing voice, if only he was taller or handsomer. then the fireworks began and as usual, fireworks are just awesome. i like the loud sounds the most. where each boom just makes your heart beat slightly faster and it leaves a ringing in your ears. awwweesooommmeeeee.
then the show ended and then we hanged around with randy some more while the band played a second set. it was a repeat set though. there was a guy who could beatbox and of course i thought of my red lego peace! XD
had zy take a picture of the beatboxer too! halfway he started singing "i'm bringing sexy back and then there was i'm a ssslllaaavveve for youuuu"
and then! there was this old apek who i swear looks just like mr pok who was dancing this weird para para dance moves! he was grrooovviiing! but it was like, stilted dance moves. he must have been paid by esplanade or the band to do that short dance! halfway he looked like a chicken dancing though.i applaud him though, for his courage!
then then then, we hanged around some more while waiting for randy to finish and then we caught bits of a world without thieves. it was slightly ridiculous though and halfway, andy lau's wig flew off! then it started to get all morally and it was a bit painful to sit on the pavement caused we watched the show when it was already showing halfway. (ok long sentence!)
we left because i didnt want to miss the last train back and bought a super expensive muffin but it was blueberry and it was warm but i could have just kicked that server! wah lau, luckily i'm nice. *growls*
and then! because the streets were almost empty, i made zy and randy play the
"cannot step on the dark parts of the pavement game" but zy gave up halfway because she's lousy. so after minutes of lunging and jumping, i had the brightest idea to run for the traffic light when people behind us were still strolling! and that girl actually beat me! lousy. oh wells. i cant believe i ran. haha! that was so stupid! but i had so much fun! and it was awesome to just let loose after so looonnnggg! i heart!
and then hopefully tomorrow, i have my ie and clubbox back and then we're going to watch letters! like after so long and mise restocked! and i have ryo's painting like yeesssss!!! and it.is.beautiful and the pv is out! and it is such lovvvvveeee!!
first driving lesson is on friday! at 11! i'm abit apprehensive but we'll see how it goes! yay!
and ta-da! painting! i'm obsessed with it. truly. <33
i swear i sound so high!
2.3.07
318
a new month begins yet again. it's march already. in february, i thought that 07 was going to be a bad year. there were way too many ups and downs and it was only the second month of the year. what will march bring for me? seeing as how it is the holidays, nothing too dramatic i hope.
my head hurts. i think it is about time i get some sleep. somethings wrong with my browser because it keeps shutting down by itself. prease dont do this to me.
i have to say that this has been bothering me for quite a while. the thing is that, i cant completely immerse myself in just one world and forget the other. the key is to find a balance, a right balance that will prove condusive for me, that will work for me so that i am firmly in check with reality. that i dont get too caught up. cause when you get too caught up, then you tend to forget the very basic fundamentals. the very core of what it is that is you, what it is that you first wanted to achieve.
i mean, change is all good, but do not expect others to change too. each one is entitled to their own opinion, you cannot force yours down their throats.
it's not fair. you have to listen and to hear what the other party is talking about. you have to know when you've overstepped the boundary and you have to know when you need to back down and respect that person and if need be, to say sorry. get what i mean?
we are only here for a short period of time. ultimately, it is what you have done here that will protect you and save you later on. i have to remember that.
but if you forget the basic fundamentals, then what is the point?
my head hurts. i think it is about time i get some sleep. somethings wrong with my browser because it keeps shutting down by itself. prease dont do this to me.
i have to say that this has been bothering me for quite a while. the thing is that, i cant completely immerse myself in just one world and forget the other. the key is to find a balance, a right balance that will prove condusive for me, that will work for me so that i am firmly in check with reality. that i dont get too caught up. cause when you get too caught up, then you tend to forget the very basic fundamentals. the very core of what it is that is you, what it is that you first wanted to achieve.
i mean, change is all good, but do not expect others to change too. each one is entitled to their own opinion, you cannot force yours down their throats.
it's not fair. you have to listen and to hear what the other party is talking about. you have to know when you've overstepped the boundary and you have to know when you need to back down and respect that person and if need be, to say sorry. get what i mean?
we are only here for a short period of time. ultimately, it is what you have done here that will protect you and save you later on. i have to remember that.
but if you forget the basic fundamentals, then what is the point?
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