random thoughts

i am a glutton for punishment.that is what i am.sado machoism.i hate it.i do not want to feel this way.there are just too many thoughts to think about and the feeling that all is not well.i do not want to make a fool out of myself any longer and to resolve that i shall not say a word.hopes have ended into ashes.i find that i am the only one that is giving,trying to make the ship sail smoothly.i hate it i hate it i hate it but i also know where my loyalties lie.i know it is not with you.i treasure friendships and i treasure my time alone.no one can walk through unaided.hold my hand and hug me tight.sixteen years of age and nothing is really every completed,achieved.four years ago,i thought i'd never reached sixteen and ta-da.here i am.how come i do not look older,how come i do not feel a change,a sudden ka-ching that lets you know that yay,the time has come.birthdays are so over rated but i look forward to mine each year.i know i have been really bad at remembering birthdays but i thank those who remembered mine.its a wonderful feeling knowing that on ure day,someone actually thought of you.why would time not wait for no one.yuvan and jy was prepared to pay inconsiderable amounts of money just to turn back the hands of time and i found myself asking,would i? i'm tired of being potrayed as the silly little girl.i am tired of being insulted and degrated.i am tired of over analysing things and worry about small little matters that really do not require the effort to go through.i realised that i have not changed.as u meet others,u think,phwoar.but i think if u see me,u think,oh.yes.that's the difference.everyone wants to be in the limelight,the center of attraction and i am not going to stop till he says something.i am giving him two hours and tt's it.i hate sitting and wondering.my ass is glued to the chair and i have not prayed.why do i wait up for things like this?things that used to matter to me once and still do now.i fancied so many but there was only one.why?
i realised this is all incoherent thoughts.she said that they were acutally nice but how can anyone be nice if they can afford to lose 2 years of friendship just like that?i miss those carefree days of sitting by the pool.i need the beach,to feel the soft sand,the cold waves.i need to write and to put my thoughts in sequence.hold my hand.i need fun and laughter.to every side,there is a story.i wish time would just stop so i can take a breather for a while. i miss them actually.i miss my friends and i wonder why is it that some people are destined to walk their paths alone?i am so glad to have found my friends.the one who would, i hope,pick me up,put a smile on my face.but havent they proven their worth? so why am i still so insecure?i realised that small things can make me tick and i will go silent.i always thought that i had hoped they could read my mind and body language and i realised i was wrong.all those things that i have shared,laughed about,cried upon.u were with me through so many things.tell me something i know.make me feel secure again.isn't it obvious.eccentric people.i wish i had talent to spread my feelings into arts.but i cant draw,i cant sing and i cant dance.can i slowly drag up the past and continue where we left off before u abruptly left and i was hanging by a thin string?it took me so long to get over it.i need excitement.i am living my life through u.would something bad happen if things do not go as plan?a sucker for routines and time tables.i cannot conform.oh gosh.will banging ure head against the wall help? why do people cut themselves.i remembered once i did it and i actually felt proud.rubbish.haha.all those deep cuts and mutilated bodies.i think it takes a lot of courage to scar ureself.i have low treshold of pain and i can't stand the sight of blood unless it is my own.i do not like injections and going to doctors.i have not had a major operation but yet i fantasise about what it would feel like to have a terminal illness?u read so many stories about it that u get hooked onto it.those stories of miracles,for the ones that won and stories of grief,for the one the lost.to take ure own life.i'm pissed.its too early in the morning to be debating.